


Hold Me Tighter Still, Pretender

by LozisLaw



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst and Feels, Anxiety Disorder, Best Friends, Coming Out, Depression, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Feelings Realization, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, High School, Hugs, Idiots in Love, Intense, Jealousy, Kenny is Style's Fairy Godmother and You Can't Change My Mind, Long-Distance Friendship, M/M, Moving, Overthinking, Reunions, Reunited and It Feels So Good, San Francisco, Scheming, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:47:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 27,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23683375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LozisLaw/pseuds/LozisLaw
Summary: Stan is empty. That’s clear, what’s more to say?That he had a reason? Of course he does, everyone does.What’s his reason? I don’t know, maybe because he has a hole in his heart that only gets bigger even as the person who put it there gets closer.Who was this person? C’mon, who else would it be, especially if the hole had been growing and forming a crater out of him the longer he’d been away, and only now returned, overflowing this crater with emotions that quickly get out of hand.How will he handle it? In true Stan fashion, he hopes. As if it ever works out for him.OrKyle moved away years ago, and Stan has never been the same. When Kyle returns, he realises why.
Relationships: Eric Cartman/Wendy Testaburger, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh
Comments: 107
Kudos: 128





	1. Home is where the heart is. Kyle is where the heart is.

**Author's Note:**

> This story type has been done before, 'kyle moves away', yada yada…
> 
> And spoken like a true cable company employee of South Park, I hope you voice ALL your concerns to me in the comments…
> 
> Because here in my fics, the reader is always, my bitch.
> 
> ;)

Stan was walking through the halls, hands in his pockets, looking down as Kenny ran his mouth about something Stan was half listening too, nodding along regardless. Another day, another drag. That was always the way. Stan felt like he’d never been fully himself since he left. He tried, despite his brain telling him to give up, to remain optimistic. He failed, but Kenny didn’t have to know that. This was his eternal struggle, even if he wasn’t sure how. He knew the cause, sure, that was bleedingly obvious. It was like the world was spinning without realising it had fallen off it’s kilter, oblivious that anything was wrong, and only Stan could feel it’s dizzying difference in gravity, forced to endure it alone until someone else noticed too, which they wouldn’t. No one seemed to realise, and Stan didn’t think they ever would.

**

Four years ago, when Stan was in fifth grade, an economic boom occurred in America. A boom that led to big cities like New York, San Francisco, and Washington D.C to rise in job demand. A demand that led to a spike so significant, that one family felt they needed to relocate to make the most of it’s succession in San Francisco. One family from South Park, whose prior experience in this city was bittersweet. The parents had loved the city, it’s class and decorum, and it’s hybrid cars, but their happy move to this wonderful city was cut short, when a nationwide smug epidemic hit the city and risked their lives. That whole year after it had happened, the father wanted to move back once the city had settled down again, to continue his law firm. The mother was impressed with the city too, and wished for her two children to develop a sense of environmental character and awareness, just like the San Franciscans they’d met in their short move a year earlier. And then the economic boom.

It felt easy for the parents of the family to decide they needed to bank the opportunities of this rise, so they didn’t hesitate. Everything was well, and they planned to move promptly, having already picked out a townhouse in the bustling centre. The only problem was the children. Stan’s super best friend, and his favourite person in the world, Kyle Broflovski, and his brother Ike. They didn’t want to move. In fact, they kicked up such a storm about the idea that Stan and Kyle band together to sabotage the move, at any cost. And like all spirited attempts on Stan’s part, no matter how fucking badly he needed them to work, they failed. Stan failed, and his best friend was shipped off halfway across the country shortly afterwards, doomed to continue his life away from the small mountain town they grew up in. Never had he needed one thing to go right for him before so much, and he couldn’t even have that. The only person that used to put a smile on Stan’s face, was gone, out of reach.

They kept in contact, of course. Obsessively. There were some days that they texted in excess of five hours, and their video chats were long and frequent. They kept this up, but as time continued, the effects of not seeing his best friend beside him, watching inane television shows on Sunday mornings after sleepovers, providing snide comments about Cartman when he fucked up in a plot of his, and falling asleep beside him, feeling his breath on Stan’s cheek, took a toll. Kyle obviously felt it too, but they didn’t mention it, determined, daresay desperate to regain a sense of normalcy that they couldn’t seem to replace after the move. Stan needed Kyle, even if the most he could hope for was a video call, he still needed him so bad.

Kyle didn’t talk much about San Francisco, apart from obvious things, and how school was. He didn’t much mention friends he’d made, which Stan couldn’t help think was pointed, as though Stan would burn with stirred jealously at the thought that Kyle had other people in his life, that was slowly replacing the Stan shaped hole. And of course he was jealous, he was a fucking furnace of boiling anger regarding Kyle’s San Franciscan friends. He tried hard not to let Kyle know, but Kyle could read Stan better than anyone on the planet, so of course he knew, and he also knew not to talk about it, because he was the only one who knew Stan. Stan had never found a replacement for his own Kyle-shaped hole in his heart. He didn’t want to.

Stan also wondered, as the years passed by, if Kyle himself had changed. If that Kyle shape had morphed into something else, something newer, something San Francisco. He had dreams about it, that Kyle would someday return, for a visit or something, but not long enough, and be an entirely different person, speaking like a jerseyite, for some illogical reason, and conscious of the planet and social issues like a true smug asshole. And he wouldn’t recognise Stan. Even with the new body and attitude, as annoying as they are, Stan would endure them as long as Kyle remembered him. His worst fear, would be that he didn’t know Stan anymore, wouldn’t need him anymore. The Stan-hole had been filled by something, if not someone else. He still had nightmares, to this day, four years later.

**

So Stan was left a shell, a husk of his former self, which he remembered much more fondly than his present self. He was ashamed of what Kyle would see, that he’d be disappointed, because he kept his healthy city physique. Kyle didn’t say that he was actually like this, but Stan felt like some of his dreams had to be real, even if the real Kyle was only a budding flower of the true smug asshole of San Francisco. Stan didn’t know, sometimes felt like he didn’t know Kyle anymore, having only seen his face on video chats all this time. His parents were adamant not to visit South Park at all, apparently finding it a tasteless mountain town that wasn’t up to the standards of the city. Stan was beyond relieved when Kyle rolled his eyes when phrasing his father’s terminology, that meant he was somewhat the same still. He hadn’t been overtaken yet.

So Stan spent his days with Kenny, sometimes Butters, dragging through each day like he was waiting for something to happen, for the earth to reset, like it always had before. Constantly waiting, feeling like he had to keep acting his part, not changing, just in case. He wasn’t even sure why. Cartman had fucked off away from the group two years ago. Stan recalls Cartman having trouble the last time Kyle moved away, no longer having a receptive yelling competitor. So it made sense he struggled again the next time it happened. This time, he found the one other person in this school who could probably hold their own like Kyle did against Cartman. The one person that reminded Stan of Kyle, in their determination and confidence, if nothing else. Also, the one person who had a beef with Cartman before Kyle left. The one, Wendy Testaburger.

Stan felt bad sometimes, that Cartman completely moved his weapon strikes onto solely Wendy, but Wendy wouldn’t have been dumb enough to pick fights with him to begin with if she couldn’t handle the backlash from him. She handled those attacks so well, that hers and Stan’s relationship couldn’t do more than dwindle, rotting down to it’s very core until they were forced to discuss that it was gone, that they were done. Stan had been partly relieved, partly heartbroken. People tended to assume he was so sombre now because he’d never recovered after they broke up, and the battles between Wendy and Cartman quickly became romantic the older everyone became. Stan let them assume, because to them it made more sense to be grieving over a former friend taking his girlfriend than an old best friend who’d been gone for years, which took over his very being to this day. They wouldn’t understand, so Stan let them think what the fuck they wanted. It didn’t matter in the end, because he couldn’t do anything about the loss. He’d probably move to San Francisco to heal the crater in his heart, when he turned eighteen, or wherever Kyle went. Even now, Stan would follow him to the ends of the earth. And he knew Kyle knew it.

‘’What the hell is going on over there?’’ Kenny said, pointing to a large crowd formed up ahead in the hallway. Stan wasn’t really paying attention, and glanced up without much enthusiasm. He couldn’t see much more than their classmates, surrounding something he couldn’t see. He shrugged noncommittedly.

‘’Oh shit,’’ Kenny said, apparently seeing it from his vantage height. Stan was considered tall, but not as much as Kenny, who was a giant lollipop with the sweet candy sucked away, leaving just a stick. So he was a tall stick, basically. He could see over the heads from the distance before Stan could. They walked forward towards the crowd, and halfway there, Stan saw it in the gap of the people, and froze stiff.

His breath completely dried up in his lungs, making him momentarily lose function of his body. The shock of seeing it, was a temporary pause button, and Stan was rendered useless, brain halted and limbs frozen in place as the people surrounding cleared a little, and a wider gap was formed, giving him a direct view.

_Kyle_

His eyes were bugged out from his head, unable to blink, his whole body unable to move. Then he did blink, multiple times, trying to process what he was seeing, making sure his eyes weren’t fucking him over.

Curly red locks, stringing from his head in calmer tussles. Lanky, short body, wearing army green jeans, white t-shirt and brown lace up boots. Face, the same one Stan would see in the video chats, but radiating a glow that camera technology lacked. And then he turned, facing Stan, catching his gaze, and widening his eyes. Glimmering, perfect green.

Kyle parted his mouth, staring at Stan with equal parts shock and pure intensity. The whole crowd blurred around them, fazing out of Stan’s vision. His vision only consisted of Kyle, an array of airplane guide lights, guiding Stan to the one person he’d been waiting to see this whole fucking time. Kyle stepped forward, shoving someone out of his way, not breaking eye contact with Stan.

Following these flashing lights guiding him, Stan started running, trying to get to him before he disappeared in thin air, like his only objective in life was to go to him. Kyle followed suit, running up to Stan with a desperately relieved expression.

‘’Stan!’’ Kyle exclaimed, holding out his arms.

‘’Kyle!’’ Stan shouted at the same time, not caring how desperate he felt and sounded, letting everything fall away from him as he ran to Kyle, colliding with him. Kyle literally jumped onto him, wrapping his legs around Stan’s waist tight, wrapping his arms around Stan’s neck tighter, and putting his head into the crook of Stan’s neck, laughing as Stan spun from the weight, hugging him so hard, making sure he couldn’t get away again. Stan felt it, and actually risked tears if he was capable of doing any more than laugh into Kyle’s neck deliriously, so freaking happy that he felt suicidal before in comparison. He didn’t even understand, what the hell Kyle was doing here, but he momentarily didn’t care, kept hugging Kyle like his life depended on it, which it did. Kyle was still attached to him for dear life, legs cinched around him, and Stan would think about why he loved it so much later, but he felt it, how much Kyle needed this just as much as Stan did, and their connection, after all this time, was like galaxies sighing together, finally able to coincide after a thousand years of rotating alone.

Stan lifted his head, needing to see Kyle and make sure it was real, that he was here. That it wasn’t a dream, and he hadn’t turned into the smug asshole of his nightmares. Kyle lifted his face from Stan’s neck, beaming at Stan with wet eyes, their faces two inches from each other. Stan beamed too, seeing his real face, for real, for the first time in four years. He’d aged so damn well, that Stan’s eyes got wet thinking how much he’d missed, what he couldn’t get back; sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth grade. A freaking eternity.

‘’Stan,’’ Kyle said again, his voice barely above a whisper. He put his forehead against Stan’s, and Stan let out a pent up breath, taking a moment and closing his eyes, taking in the feeling of him so close, and unable to process the rest just yet. He didn’t even know how long they were like this, couldn’t get out of this bubble they’d blown in the hall if he tried, which he never wanted to. Their classmates just melted away like a distant fog, irrelevant to them.

‘’Dude,’’ Stan said, looking back into his hypnotising eyes, speaking just as softly. Kyle only gave back pure undiluted happiness and relief, which was more of a relief to Stan than anything, other than that he was here. Kyle was here. Kyle was home.

‘’How? Why? How-‘’ Stan said, his words forming nonsense as he kept his eyes on Kyle, still hugging him. Kyle dropped his legs back down on the ground, and Stan was about to protest, if he was capable of real words right now.

‘’I’m home now,’’ Kyle said softly, smiling wider than Stan’s seen in a long time. Stan held him close and hugged him hard again. Home.

Kyle was home.


	2. Reunion special

‘’I don’t understand, how? How are you here? Are you even real?’’ Stan asked, gripping Kyle’s arms, as though he would spontaneously combust into dust if Stan didn’t hold him safely in his arms, which he just might. He had no idea what was going on, and his curiosity was burning, but he would honestly be content even if Kyle didn’t speak, just here, safe in his arms again. It’s been so goddamn long, Stan could spontaneously combust himself. Kyle sighed.

‘’I’m real. My parents moved back to South Park. Their business crashed, and we couldn’t afford living in San Francisco anymore, thank god. We just got back today, and I had to come to school today, packing be damned. I couldn’t wait any longer to see you,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?’’ Stan asked. Kyle grinned, his cheeks dusted pink.

‘’I wanted to surprise you, so- surprise!’’ Kyle said, chuckling. Stan embraced him again, feeling so complete. Kyle gladly sunk into the hug, sighing again. The change was so sudden, that he felt like the Kyle shaped hole had never been empty, and Stan felt like this sudden completeness would explode right out his chest, for mattering so much that Stan wondered how he’d been able to even live the past four years. Then he decided he hadn’t been living, just waiting.

‘’Don’t fucking leave me ever again,’’ Stan said seriously, holding Kyle at arm’s length, giving him a severe look. Kyle looked back just as seriously, his hands moving up Stan’s arms and tensing his fingers against his shoulders. Even reverent touches were like smooth butter, making Stan shiver. He would probably cry tonight, if he didn’t dance around like he was high for two hours, which felt more imperative than releasing unshed tears of happiness.

‘’I missed you,’’ Kyle said softly, looking teary again, holding Stan’s shoulders tighter, like he was afraid Stan would suddenly turn away.

‘’Dude,’’ Stan said, his voice breaking, his heart breaking. Everything was broken, and he needed Kyle in his arms to slowly put him back together after so falling part for so long. He was vaguely and distantly aware that other people were probably staring, drawing conclusions, making assumptions. He didn’t care. He’s needed this for too long to feel embarrassed by how automatically touchy they both were, in a way that others wouldn’t associate with best friends. It was natural for them, they’d always been closer than other best friends, and it was like now was the final test, not even caring that they flew right into each other’s arms. It wouldn’t have felt right if they didn’t.

‘’Dude, let me have my turn,’’ Kenny said, suddenly beside them, nudging Kyle. Kyle broke from Stan’s gaze and smiled at Kenny. He released from Stan, which Stan was about to protest again if he could, and he embraced Kenny.

‘’Hey, dude. It’s so awesome to see you guys,’’ Kyle said, stepping back with a grin, still close to Stan. Stan wanted to hug him again, and he did, wrapping around Kyle and putting his chin down on his shoulder. Kyle held him, still facing Kenny.

‘’I can’t believe you’re back. So much shit has happened dude,’’ Kenny said, holding Kyle’s arm as Kyle rubbed Stan’s back. Stan closed his eyes and took a moment to revel in the feeling, and the knowledge that he was actually back, safe in his embrace, and maybe for good.

‘’I don’t want you guys to leave me out of anything. Tell me the most inconsequential shit that happened, until it’s like I didn’t leave at all,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Have you seen Cartman yet?’’ Kenny asked. Stan finally reluctantly released from the hug, but lingered close, starting to draft up plans to stay at least in arms reach of Kyle at all times from now on. Kyle scoffed, still holding onto Stan’s arm, which Stan flushed from, weirdly, as though that was the most physical they’d been in the last few minutes.

‘’No, I haven’t seen the fatass yet, thank god. But I heard he shacked up with Wendy,’’ Kyle said, glancing at Stan as if in apology. Stan shrugged, still smiling, still currently flying high in heaven. He distantly wondered if Kyle’s hugs were laced with cocaine, and wanted more. He was a Kyle-drug addict already.

‘’Ha! Yeah, that’s probably been the funniest thing that’s happened. But seriously dude, this asshole’s been a sad sack this whole time without you,’’ Kenny gestured to Stan. ‘’Everyone thinks it’s because of Wendy and Cartman, but they don’t know shit,’’ Kenny said. Stan glared at Kenny, and Kyle gave Stan a heartbroken look, tightening his grip. Stan shrugged it off, not wanting to highlight how empty he’d been, because he was overflowing now, and it didn’t matter anymore, as long as Kyle was here.

‘’I honestly wasn’t surprised when I heard the news about them. I feel like I don’t even know this place anymore, and everyone looks so fucking old. I didn’t think people would even recognise me,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Are you kidding? Who else has this hair?’’ Stan said, taking a curl and pulling lightly, letting it spring back. He’d so missed doing that, and did it again, grinning. Kyle smirked.

‘’And you’re both so fucking tall! Jesus Christ, what the hell happened to me?’’ Kyle laughed, looking up at both of them, especially Kenny. Kenny grinned.

‘’San Francisco shrunk you,’’ Kenny said.

‘’I fucking hate that city, and all of those old hippies who only care about their self-importance,’’ Kyle said, rolling his eyes.

‘’Holy shit, you’ve turned into Cartman,’’ Kenny laughed.

‘’How dare you!’’ Kyle exclaimed, hitting Kenny’s chest.

‘’Oh god, It’s just like old times,’’ Stan grinned. They all smiled, and it really did feel like no time had passed with the three of them.

‘’Well let’s show you the school then! And the grandpas that now inhabit it since you fucked off,’’ Kenny said, waving them forward.

‘’If I could, I would just skip all this nonsense and hang out with you guys until class starts,’’ Kyle said. Stan put his arm around Kyle’s shoulder, humming in contentment when Kyle gladly eased into it, and they walked behind Kenny through the halls and touring the school. Stan wanted that too, but he would steal Kyle away to himself later, once they settled down. Right now, he was just trying to convince himself it was real, having to repeat the words in his mind. Kyle is home, they’ve moved back to South Park. He is likely going to explode into confetti with the sudden bliss seeping into his blood and bones, making him want to dance and hug Kyle until the confetti settled, so never.

‘’I can’t believe you’re here,’’ Stan said, as Kenny rambled about Butters and how much he’d changed too, and Kyle added bits of commentary here and there, still being under Stan’s arm. Kyle turned his head, smiling at Stan.

‘’It’s pretty surreal. But I’m so happy to see you again, in person,’’ Kyle said, poking Stan’s side, making Stan grin and tug him closer. Just then, they heard a squeal from down the hall, and they turned to see Bebe running towards them.

‘’Kyle! OMG, you’re back!’’ Bebe squealed, running up to Kyle and hugging him, just as Stan took his arm off his shoulder. Bebe nearly knocked Kyle back in her overzealousness, and Stan was about to warn off anybody else who hugged Kyle, or touched him. He was obviously Stan’s.

‘’Hey, Bebe. Good to see you,’’ Kyle said, patting her back. She released him from her death hug, beaming.

‘’Wow, Kyle. You got hot, are you still single?’’ Bebe asked. Kyle looked lost, opening his mouth. Stan was about to speak for him like a bodyguard, feeling ridiculously protective of him.

‘’Um. Wow, Bebe, you don’t really change huh?’’ Kyle said.

‘’Nope! But seriously, you’re so cute now! Makes me think we need another list,’’ Bebe grinned.

‘’Oh fuck, please don’t,’’ Kyle said. Bebe laughed.

‘’I seriously need to catch up with you later. We need to have girl talk- like definitely!’’ Bebe said. Kyle widened his eyes, darting a glance to Stan, who was at a loss. Girltalk? Was a Kyle a girl?

‘’You mean boy/girl talk?’’ Kyle asked queasily.

‘’Of course, you know. I need to get the West Coast feed from you,’’ Bebe said.

‘’Oh right. I’m sorry to say I wasn’t keeping up with the latest fashion over there,’’ Kyle said, rolling his eyes. Bebe huffed.

‘’You know what I mean,’’ Bebe said, looking annoyed for a second, before she grinned again.

‘’Yeah, of course,’’ Kyle said. Bebe smiled.

‘’I’ll see you boys later. Stan,’’ Bebe nodded, giving him a smirk as she sauntered off in the other direction. Kyle waved her off.

‘’Ignore her,’’ Kyle said, blushing. Stan snorted.

‘’Why are you comforting me? I’m not the one who’s masculinity was questioned,’’ Stan said. Kyle pushed him, laughing.

‘’Shut up. I don’t even understand that girl. Her tits are fucking massive, what the hell happened?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Puberty, I guess. It flattered her more than some others in the class. You’ll see,’’ Stan said, excited again, and taking Kyle’s arm as they continued.

‘’Kenny, I’d have thought you would have more to say about Bebe’s boobs just before,’’ Kyle said as the three of them passed the cafeteria. Kenny shrugged, shooting Kyle a sly grin.

‘’I’ve grown up, I guess. I’ve found something that has even more appeal,’’ Kenny said.

‘’I’ve scared now. You haven’t gotten into watersports or some shit have you?’’ Kyle asked. Kenny laughed.

‘’Believe it or not, I’m not that hardcore,’’ Kenny said. Kyle gave Stan a confused look, and Stan shrugged. Kenny told Stan before, that if he wanted to tell Kyle about Butters, he wanted to do it himself. So he hadn’t done it already, which was odd.

‘’So what’s this thing that has more appeal to the king of boobs than boobs?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’You’ll see,’’ Kenny grinned. Kyle narrowed his eyes.

‘’Fuck you, just tell me. I’m dying over here,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Ah, here we go,’’ Kenny said, as they approached the lockers, where Butters was standing, putting his books away. They walked forward, and Butters turned smiling, and widening his eyes when he saw Kyle.

‘’Oh! Kyle, you’re here! Welcome back buddy!’’ Butters exclaimed, beaming. Kyle smiled.

‘’Hey, Butters. It’s been ages,’’ Kyle said, grinning and promptly dropping his jaw when Kenny went up to Butters and landed a wet kiss right on his lips. Butters giggled, and Kyle’s eyes bugged out in shock.

‘’Holy shit!’’ Kyle said, and Kenny turned back to them, hugging Butters from behind.

‘’So it turns out I’m the king of cock,’’ Kenny said, grinning at Kyle’s expression. So that’s why he waited. The bastard wanted a big reveal. And what a reveal it was, Kyle couldn’t tear his eyes away, staring with an unreadable expression that Stan considered extreme shock. Stan wondered if Kyle had come across any gay people in San Francisco, at that horrible school he went to instead of here. Another thing to ask later. So many things to talk about.

‘’How long has this been going on?’’ Kyle asked with big eyes.

‘’Eh, a year,’’ Kenny said, deferring to Butters, who nodded. Kyle sputtered.

‘’You’ve been fucking gay with Butters for a year, and you couldn’t think to call- hell, even text me that this happened?’’ Kyle asked, his surprise slowly morphing to anger.

‘’You’re a hysterical bitch, I wanted the joy of you learning in person,’’ Kenny grinned.

‘’What if I’d stayed in San Francisco for good and we didn’t see each other for another few years? You would’ve waited all that time for your big reveal?’’ Kyle asked angrily.

‘’Kyle, you dumbass. Of course you were coming back, because Stan is here, and not there,’’ Kenny explained, putting his chin on Butters head, tall enough to easily do so. Butters was looking at them with big blue doe eyes.

‘’That’s not. The point,’’ Kyle said, shaking his head, his face red.

‘’Regardless, you’re here now. So Butters is my sugar baby with the money, and you’ll be seeing lots of gay action. Though probably less than you did in the gay capital, but then again. South Park is like America’s gayest town. You get my point,’’ Kenny said. Kyle exchanged a glance with Stan, who shrugged. He’d been seeing this relationship bloom for years now without Kyle, so he’s hardly someone who can fairly say he’s surprised.

‘’This is going to take a while to get used to,’’ Kyle said, watching as Kenny nuzzled his face into Butters neck, earning a little gasp and giggle from Butters.

‘’Do you wanna go somewhere else?’’ Stan asked, nudging Kyle’s side. Kyle smiled at him, making Stan’s gut tug in a weird way.

‘’Yeah, let’s, yeah,’’ Kyle said, and they turned away as Kenny continued to coax noises out of Butters. Stan glanced back as they walked away, and caught Kenny’s gaze. Kenny grinned, pointing at Kyle’s back and making a cocksucking gesture to Stan. Stan gave him a dirty look, and caught up with Kyle again, ignoring Kenny’s obnoxiously shit eating eyes.

‘’I need to talk to you about something,’’ Kyle said, holding his arms across his torso as they walked back through the halls.

‘’Yeah, of course. Let’s find a place to sit,’’ Stan said, momentarily ignoring that class would be resuming very shortly. They could skip anyway. Kyle seemed unconcerned, but now Stan was wondering what was eating at him, and worrying about it.

They headed to one of the unused music rooms, which was helpfully empty of any lifeforms, and big enough to hide inside without someone seeing or hearing them. They entered the room and made their way to the very back, against the wall and behind the big drums that concealed them from the entrance. Stan sat down on the floor, and Kyle followed, sitting close and crossing his legs.

‘’This is all so surreal, being back,’’ Kyle said, looking around the room.

‘’I’m just trying to look at you and accept you’re actually here. I’ve been in hell without you, seriously,’’ Stan said. Kyle smiled, taking hold of Stan’s hands, worrying them between his own.

‘’God, you know I have too. Do you realise what I did the last time I moved to San Francisco, within the first few days?’’ Kyle asked, tightening his grip on his palms. Stan shook his head, just staring at Kyle’s face, not used to it yet, it’s realness. He wasn’t about to deny that Bebe was right.

‘’The neighbour kids, they were these sandal wearing hippy weirdos, but they didn’t talk like their parents. They were actually kind of cool, in that they completely understood how fucking stupid adults were. Well anyway, they offered me and Ike acid, saying that we’d have to get used to it sooner or later, because it’s the only way to cope here. And we accepted, I took one hit, Ike took three,’’ Kyle said. Stan’s jaw was dropped.

‘’You didn’t do that again when you moved the second time, right?’’ Stan asked, freaking out now.

‘’No, no! Well, Ike’s a bit of a pothead now, but I didn’t do it again. I’m just saying, that it was really hard to adapt, living in the same city twice that I wanted to be away from forever. And away from you,’’ Kyle said, giving Stan a sad little smile. Stan leaned forward and embraced him again, letting Kyle put his chin on his shoulder and breath out.

‘’It’s okay,’’ Stan said, rubbing his back, mostly for his own benefit. When he released him and sat back again, Kyle looked nervous.

‘’I am grateful for one thing though. Being there, in that bigger metropolis or people, most of them hippies, but other characters I didn’t see in South Park. I met people, some adults, and some kids, who were like me. The kind of people in South Park were a gross stereotype, and I couldn’t reliably learn anything from them, without turning into a sick pervert. And I grew, in a way I didn’t tell you over video chats or texts. I can honestly say I know who I am now, with this new insight, and I’m ready to embrace it, and be myself, for the first fucking time in my life,’’ Kyle said.

‘’What are you saying?’’ Stan asked, uneasily. Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose, something he stole from Stan.

‘’What I’m trying to tell you is. I’m gay. I’m gay and I’m out in San Francisco, and now here,’’ Kyle said.

Stan parted his lips in surprise, and widened his eyes at Kyle, who was staring back with a red face. He had no idea what to say, was honestly surprised, mostly in himself for being so caught off guard by this.

‘’Dude,’’ Stan said, racking his brain for anything to say. He had no idea, and realised he should probably let go of Kyle’s hands. Kyle did it for him, and crossed his arms into himself.

‘’Is that all? Dude?’’ Kyle asked, incredulous. Stan panicked.

‘’No, no, no dude! I mean Kyle. It’s just- ah. A lot to process,’’ Stan said, looking down on himself. Kyle is gay, okay. Stan wasn’t sure why it was knocking him through a loop, but it was. Kyle, his Kyle. Gay. Okay, he can work with this, it’s okay. Okay. Gay.

‘’Well, I had help. Realising, I mean,’’ Kyle said, looking down. Autopilot took over Stan, which was exactly what he needed, and he was hugging Kyle again, mentally transferring Kyle’s angst to himself, to relieve him of it. Kyle sighed like that’s all he needed from a response, and snuggled his head into Stan’s neck, making him shiver from the contact. He pulled back, not all the way, and found Kyle’s face inches away from his, just like when they ran into each other’s arms in the halls. Kyle’s eyes were lowered, and they glanced down for a split second. At that terrifying moment, Stan panicked and backed away, swallowing heavily.

Kyle leaned away too, folding his arms back under his arms, his heavy look twisting into one of nervousness again.

‘’And I have a boyfriend.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aren't writers such notorious bitches?


	3. Broken hearts and stomach lining

‘’Ah. What?’’ Stan asked, blinking several times, thinking maybe he misheard Kyle just then. Kyle was bright red, holding his knees with tensed hands. He shrugged violently, avoiding Stan’s eyes when they boggled at him.

‘’Yeah, so. I have a boyfriend too. That’s a thing. That- I have,’’ Kyle said, looking back at Stan with an odd expression.

What followed utter disbelief was something Stan never thought he’d possess in this kind of circumstance. A searing rage that was directed at no one, and intended to hurl everything in his radius into an inferno of unbridled hatred. He wasn’t even sure why this seemed to follow Kyle’s announcement, wasn’t even in any headspace to seriously think about why that statement bothered him enough to start throwing the musical instruments littered around the room. Except that, Kyle obviously wasn’t supposed to have any title of belonging to anybody but Stan.

‘’Ah- and, he’s from San Francisco?’’ Stan asked, trying to keep his simmering boiling rage under a barely restrained neutral face. Kyle probably knew him enough to know when Stan was hiding, when his anger was teetering, ready to burst. He narrowed his eyes at Stan, like he was studying this, frowning at Stan’s attempt to hide it.

‘’Um, yeah. He was in my class at the old school. His name is, uh, Trent,’’ Kyle said. _Trent_. Stan tested the word in his brain, deciding he hated it.

‘’And you’ve been dating _Trent_ , for- um, how long?’’ Stan asked, as calmly as he could muster. Stan’s mental image of this asshole was not flattering, and tried not to convey it in his face, for Kyle’s sake.

‘’Oh, uh. Six months,’’ Kyle said quickly, looking worried for a second, then just cautious, as though Stan was about to explode, which. Was pretty fair.

‘’Six months. Okay,’’ Stan breathed deeply, closing his eyes, trying so fucking hard not to lose his mind. Kyle, his Kyle, has been in a relationship for half a year, and he didn’t mention or bring it up to Stan, even before he knew he was moving back home. Stan had to call to mind old therapy breathing techniques, trying so damn hard not to shoot the messenger, even if the messenger was the situation. When he opened back his eyes, he remembered that those fucking techniques never worked.

‘’You’ve been lying to me for six months?’’ Stan said, sharpness curling into every word like a knife. Kyle frowned.

‘’Well, no. I didn’t want to tell you over video, because- ah,’’ Kyle left off there, at Stan’s growing angry expression.

‘’You get pissed off at Kenny for not telling you about Butters, yet you hide something so fucking profound from me, as if I’d be ashamed of you in any way, and not fucking proud of you for being yourself?’’ Stan said, raising his voice, letting out only drops of the burning anger in his blood that he was harbouring for himself. Kyle opened his mouth, furrowing his eyebrows at Stan.

‘’Well I didn’t know what this backwards town taught you about homosexuality, but I didn’t want you getting pissed off without someone to barrage your anger, so you’re fucking welcome. I wasn’t even sure if you’d accept me being gay, let alone having a boyfriend, and I guess I was right to worry, if this is your fucking reaction,’’ Kyle spat back. Stan huffed. Too much has been dropped today. His gleeful spirit has been spat on and stamped out by Kyle’s boots, left only bitter and furious, shielding a pounding sadness projecting as resentment.

‘’That’s really heart-warming, to know you had such little faith in me to be supportive of you whatever the fuck you do. You could have come back here and said you’ve taken drugs, started gangs, and killed your fucking parents and I would have still hugged you like my life depended on it. Which it fucking does, by the way,’’ Stan said.

‘’So why are you so angry?’’ Kyle asked, throwing his arms out, glaring at Stan.

‘’It’s just a shock, okay. It’s hard enough to process what you told me, but a boyfriend on top of it. You’re Kyle, it’s just like you’re above all of that, and now knowing you’re gay and. Oh Jesus you’re not physical with him are you?’’ Stan asked, pushing aside his larger concerns for this, which felt imperative to know. If he was about to hear that this asshole has fucked Kyle, Stan would fly to San Francisco right now and beat the shit out of him. Kyle gave him a scandalised look.

‘’Fuck, no! Jesus, Stan. It’s like my first relationship, I’m not a slut,’’ Kyle said, shoving Stan’s shoulder in admonishment. Stan breathed relief, but it wasn’t enough to dampen the flames licking around his impulse to start punching walls and kicking holes in drums.

‘’Okay, good,’’ Stan nodded, starting to regain solid thinking processes, and not just _kill those who dare Kyle claim in any way._

‘’So, um. Who is this guy?’’ Stan asked, glad he asked when Kyle’s expression softened and relaxed, looking relieved.

‘’Well, he’s was in my grade, as I said. He was born in San Francisco, he’s only a couple of months older than me. He’s a brunette, and he plays the drums, and he knows Italian, and speaks it sometimes. He doesn’t like to brag about it though, like his parents want him to- oh shit, is that too much?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’I- uh, no it’s fine. Go on,’’ Stan encouraged, hiding his hurt behind a smile. Kyle continued warily, giving Stan looks. Stan nodded along, but the more he heard about this impressive sounding guy dating Kyle was just pushing him closer and closer into a pool filled with poison, making his chest hurt and his bones ache. He didn’t know why. He should be proud- of Kyle being himself, and breaking free enough to date a guy who speaks Italian and doesn’t brag about it. So the crippling pain in his chest made him confused, and even more upset as a result.

‘’I’ve been rambling too much, I need to hear more about what’s been happening in South Park,’’ Kyle said, shaking Stan out of his pit of self-pity. He only wanted to exude positivity around Kyle, didn’t want him to carry the burden Stan was feeling right now. He put on a smile, and took his turn catching Kyle up before the bell rang and shook them out of the world they’d cocooned themselves in the music room.

When they walked to class, Stan was dizzy, feeling like he could vomit with dread piling into his gut, making him struggle to stand up without his knees giving out. Kyle gave him odd looks as they walked, and Stan tried to appear okay, not liking how closely the news he’d just heard seemed to correspond to this sinking feeling. Kyle would probably assume Stan wasn’t okay with him dating a guy, which was accurate, but Stan knew he’d think for the wrong reasons. He’d think Stan wasn’t actually comfortable with him being into guys, which Stan actually accepted so much, once he’d calmed down from the initial shock. His problem was that there was some dude halfway across the country who was claiming Kyle, being his, in a way that wasn’t possible for best friends. The one way they couldn’t be any closer, was now taken by some dude. Some dude that Stan didn’t know, he couldn’t judge. And maybe Kyle had been lying, maybe they were physical, maybe he’d kissed him, maybe Kyle’s touched his dick. Maybe they’ve had sex- oh god. Fuck.

Stan was about to vomit now, and he helplessly looked around for something to help, just seeing the bathroom up ahead.

‘’I have to go the bathroom. I’ll catch up with you,’’ Stan said hastily, not waiting for Kyle’s response as he ran ahead and bolted into the bathroom, and beelining for an empty stall. Before he knew what he was doing, he automatically expelled the horror and stress of today from his stomach, purging every last bit, and then some extra organs. He was a notorious projectile vomiter, but it came in handy now, cleanly projecting straight into the bowl as he weakly gripped it, spitting out the remains from his mouth, moaning with equal parts relief and a unsatiated shittiness that only got worse the longer he knelt at the toilet.

His mouth tasted horrible, and he was concerned for about two seconds before recalling why he threw up in the first place, and the sinking feeling in his gut came back. Disgusted with seeing his puke any longer, he flushed the toilet and closed the lid. He considered leaving, but found himself falling to the floor, thumping his back against the stall door, and staring into nothing, numb with feelings he couldn’t interpret, but felt nonetheless.

He wasn’t used to being so dramatic about his feelings, but then again, he’s never really had feeling’s since Kyle left him alone here. The overall knowledge that he’s come back, is not enough to counter the terrible feelings sitting uncomfortably in Stan’s chest, his gut, his throat. Because Kyle has a boyfriend. Kyle has found someone to replace the Stan shaped hole, albeit in a different context, but replaced it nonetheless. While Stan was miserably waiting for him to come back and fill his emptiness, Kyle was off finding someone else, someone better. He’s not Kyle’s favourite person anymore, and they don’t match.

Stan’s never been a big dramatic crier like Kyle. His were more crackly and blubbery, trying to form words around his mouth having a seizure. He wasn’t speaking now, just whimpering and curling his knees up to his chest, letting the tears fall down his face and wet the hot flush on his cheeks. They trickled down his neck and wet the collar of his t-shirt, but he wasn’t concerned about that. He was trying to think, trying to have more cognizant thoughts than; _Kyle’s gone. Kyle’s truly gone. I’m too late._

He didn’t know what he was too late for, but it was shattering his ribs and piercing his heart, letting his life seep out of him and disappear, leaving him as a husk. He banged his head back against the stall door, not even caring if he’d bruise. It didn’t matter anymore.

He realised his harsh pants to regain his hyperventilated breath and crackling wibbles of tears were obstructing him from hearing if anyone was near, he hadn’t checked if the other stalls were occupied. Suddenly hyper aware, he fell silent, breathing heavily as he tried to place any noise.

‘’Stan?’’

Stan froze against the door, not moving. It was Kenny’s voice, on the other side of the stall. More tears came without his permission, but he was silent still.

‘’Stan? Are you okay?’’ Kenny asked, knocking on the stall door. Stan knew he probably looked like absolute shit, and he probably couldn’t pull off any effective speaking to lie that he was okay and be left alone. Kenny knew him too well, he’d see through it.

‘’Go away,’’ Stan said, hearing his voice sounding like a broken smoothie maker that’s been crying. How will he face anyone today. He won’t, he’ll go home early, regardless of Kyle’s first day back. He’d have his boyfriend to talk to afterwards. Stan has no one.

‘’Can I come in, dude?’’ Kenny asked, still present, still sounding concerned. Stan looked at himself, actually visibly shaking, and felt his face, which was burning up, sticky from tears. He couldn’t really see why he didn’t want Kenny here, other than he looked like shit, and felt embarrassed from his crying. Kenny’s seen him cry though, and Kenny’s looked worse before too. Stan shifted to the side of the stall, letting the door swing open, and Kenny see him in his pathetic glory.

‘’Oh- _Stan_ ,’’ Kenny said softly, sounding pitying. Stan couldn’t look him into the eyes without bursting into tears again, so he kept his gaze straight ahead on the other side of the stall wall. He heard shuffling, and found Kenny sitting on the ground with him, inside the small space of the stall. His hilariously long legs were cramped and edging on either side of the stall, but he seemed unconcerned with that, giving Stan a sad, worried expression.

‘’What happened?’’ Kenny asked. There was no point bullshitting around, Stan knew, as he pondered how to answer that.

‘’Kyle has a boyfriend,’’ Stan said, his eyes getting wet again just at the words, everything they meant. Kenny made a soft surprised noise in his mouth, Stan wasn’t facing him still, not ready to see his face and fall apart.

‘’ _Oh_ , dude,’’ Kenny said heartbreakingly, touching Stan’s arm.

‘’I just- I didn’t think. I’d be so bothered by it. He came out to me, a-and said he has a boyfriend- and. I-I can’t-‘’ Stan released his built up angst and burst into tears, putting his head on his knees as he jerked with sobs. He felt Kenny hugging him, his big arms wrapped around him tightly, and it was comforting, but it wasn’t the arms he wanted to feel. He’d never feel those again, because Kyle has a boyfriend, and they couldn’t touch each other at all anymore, because he has a boyfriend, and Stan is just his immature friend, wanting him around more than anyone, even if he was in a relationship. Kyle wouldn’t let them hug with the kind of unreserved blinding devotion they had in the halls earlier, because he had a boyfriend. Kyle wouldn’t talk to him, or hang out with him every afternoon like they used to, because he has a boyfriend. Boyfriend, boyfriend, boyfriend.

‘’It’s okay, Stan. It’s fine to feel like this. Who is this guy?’’ Kenny asked, rubbing Stan’s back as he blubbered in his hands.

‘’Some asshole from San Francisco. What if he really loves him? What if they get married? Oh god,’’ Stan was working himself into a hole, torturing himself with images of Kyle marrying some shmo while Stan watched, painfully, forced to hold in his anger and tears. Kenny was shushing him.

‘’Don’t worry, Stan. You’re okay, let it out. I’ll get to the bottom of this,’’ Kenny said. Stan turned to him, glaring, but probably looking horribly pathetic with a red tear streaked face, failing at attempting to look more angry than crushed.

‘’How are you going to get to the bottom of this? What do you think you know?’’ Stan said, narrowing his eyes accusingly. Kenny held his hands up.

‘’I’m only assuming, but I understand what you’re going through. Figuring things out,’’ Kenny gave him an expectant stare, and Stan glared. What the fuck was he trying to say?

‘’I don’t know what you think I’m going through, but I don’t think you know,’’ Stan said, folding into himself again, putting his chin on his knees glumly. Kenny sighed.

‘’You’re right. I’m not the person harbouring secrets. Mine were exposed long ago, and now I’m in a happy relationship with my dream boy, so I don’t understand,’’ Kenny said.

‘’That’s not-. That’s not what’s going on,’’ Stan denied, shaking his head. Was he trying to convince himself of this more? His head was pounding badly, and he felt like he’d expel more sick if he had anything left to purge. At least his tears dried up, but going home early still seemed a better alternative than staying in this poison box of a school.

‘’Okay, I believe you. I do, Stan. Do you wanna get cleaned up a little?’’ Kenny asked, with a kind of softness and sympathy Stan wasn’t used to from him. It was hard to remember sometimes that Kenny could be pretty maternal. Stan nodded, feeling young as Kenny grabbed some toilet paper and handed it to Stan to dry his flood of tears from his face and neck, which had been starting to congeal into sticky uncomfortableness. He got him some water from his backpack, and Stan gulped it down thirstily, as though expelling all that tear water had drained him completely of fluids.

‘’Thank you,’’ Stan said, small and embarrassed, after he’d drained most of it. Kenny waved him off, putting the water bottle back in his backpack.

‘’I’m here for you dude. If that involves sitting on the floor of a tiny stall with puke in the toilet behind us, so be it,’’ Kenny said.

‘’You were there for that?’’ Stan asked, cringing.

‘’I thought someone was puking out an abortion in here,’’ Kenny said, cracking a smile. Stan chuckled under his breath. He groaned and rubbed at his face.

‘’Shit,’’ Stan muttered, wondering how the hell he was going to fare now. Kenny sighed again, patting Stan’s back.

‘’If you need to figure out any sudden homosexual feelings, you know who to talk to,’’ Kenny said. Stan shook his head, adamantly denying that.

‘’It’s not that-‘’

‘’I know, you’ll figure it out,’’ Kenny interrupted, sighing again.

‘’I don’t know If I can face anyone like this- especially him,’’ Stan said, panicking now.

‘’You’ve sufficiently gone through a lot of shit today, I think Kyle would forgive you if you just took the rest of the day off to figure out your battle plan,’’ Kenny said. Stan appreciated someone else saying that he didn’t have to tough it out. He was now thinking of crawling into his bed and falling asleep forever, or all afternoon at least.

‘’Can you cover for me?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Sure dude, just try and cheer up a little. Don’t torture yourself over this,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Thanks Kenny,’’ Stan said, giving Kenny another hug.

They eventually got up from the stall, stretching out from cramping up in that tiny space for two tall guys. Stan decided to just head out, trusting Kenny to make an alibi that involved something more flattering than having a vomiting/crying/panic attack in a bathroom stall. As he left the school, walking home, thinking about sleeping this all off, he recalled Kenny’s words, with unease. The weird gut tugs were back, less uncomfortably to the pre-vomiting ones, but not that great either. He’d never actually managed to really think about it seriously, what Kenny was suggesting. Stan was hurting because he wasn’t Kyle’s favourite person anymore, that they can’t be themselves with each other like they used to, because now there’s a third person, someone who knows Kyle in a way Stan can’t. It’s not what Kenny’s suggesting, that he’s jealous of them, because he wants to be the boyfriend. Is it?


	4. Stupid Angry Walls

Kenny stalked through the halls, searching everywhere for him.

‘’Hey Ken!’’ Butters called out to him at the lockers as he approached, looking sweet as ever. Kenny walked up to him.

‘’Hey, butterscotch. Have you seen Kyle?’’ Kenny asked, hugging around him and searching the distance for a guilty redhead over his head. He’d returned from a heartbreaking tear session with Stan that brought to light things Kenny never thought would happen, ever. And now he’s pissed off beyond compare, looking everywhere for the culprit.

‘’Well, I can’t say I have. What do you need him for?’’ Butters asked.

‘’I’m settling shit once and for all,’’ Kenny gave Butters a knowing look. Butters widened his big owlish blue eyes.

‘’Oh boy. Do you want me to come with you?’’ Butters asked. Kenny tugged him against his chest, trying to collect the wild thoughts running around his head, after that horrid stark encounter. The look- the raw goddamn look in poor Stan’s wet eyes. It was enough to make a statue shit marbles tears.

‘’No, it’ll just make him on edge. I’ll find you after and let you know what happens,’’ Kenny said. Kenny wouldn’t end today without knowing what the shit is going on. He’s figured Kyle’s reliably gone insane, and he intends to bash that head in until it starts thinking straight again.

‘’Alright. Don’t be too hard on him,’’ Butters said, and Kenny planted a kiss on his nose, making Butters fluster, the pure cuteness of it.

‘’I’ll try not to, no promises though. This shit has been going too long. I’ll find you after’’ Kenny promised, giving Butters a final squeeze. Butters waved after him as he continued forward, keeping a look out for this little fucker whose broken Stan’s heart.

Kenny had grown closer to Stan over the years, making up the space that their group had when Kyle left, and Cartman fucked off to woo Wendy. Stan had been a lousy grump most of the time, but it had a pretty logical reason, so Kenny looked past it, and looked forward to the moment when Stan and Kyle would reunite. Because it was happening sooner or later. And he was not disappointed. They were like a hurricane, running to each other and colliding like they would die if they didn’t. Stan had looked happier than anything, which warmed Kenny’s heart, and he made a bet with Butters after they left on their own that they’d be making out before the day ended. When he came across Stan crying in the bathroom and blubbering that Kyle had a fucking boyfriend, Kenny hid an furious scream under a face of concerned indifference. The fucking nerve. And now here he was, running the halls looking for him, to give him a piece of his mind, about to explode with anger.

And bingo. A distinct head of red hair was chatting up with Clyde and Token, oblivious. God did it make him angry. Kyle wasn’t even aware his soul brother had just given Kenny the most painful looking eyes that Kenny’s ever seen. They were eyes of heartbreak, anger, guilt, and giving up. It tore him apart just seeing it. And Kenny’s seen the eyes of hell, and he can vouch than they’ve got nothing on Stan’s.

‘’Kyle!’’ Kenny shouted from down the hall, making him turn towards Kenny as he stomped forward. He hoped Kyle was scared of his livid face, he wanted him to know how much he’s fucked up. Kyle looked surprised, but he smiled, only frowning when Kenny got closer and he could see the tip of his fury.

‘’Oh, hey Kenny. Have you seen Stan? He said he’d catch up with me earlier,’’ Kyle said.

‘’I’ve got a fucking bone to pick with you,’’ Kenny growled, standing in front of him at his superior height. Thank the stars his monster tallness could be used as intimidation tactics right now. Kyle widened his eyes.

‘’Huh? What did I do?’’ Kyle asked, ever confused. Kenny reminded himself to reign it in a little, remembering that anger and Kyle didn’t mix very pretty.

‘’What the fuck haven’t you done? Things were absolutely perfect, they were falling into place, and you’ve thrown a giant spanner in life’s plans. What the fuck!’’ Kenny exclaimed, waving his hands all around Kyle stupid concerned face. Okay, so he’s failed at reigning it in. Too bad, this needs to be said. Kyle frowned, not understanding.

‘’Are you high? What have I done?’’ Kyle asked. Kenny growled. What has he done? What the fuck hasn’t he done!

‘’You’ve gotten yourself a fucking boyfriend, for one,’’ Kenny said, pointing menacingly in his stupid face. Kyle’s eyes shot open in astonishment.

‘’Oh shit. Did Stan tell you?’’ Kyle asked queasily.

‘’Yes, Kyle. Stan told me. He told you you’ve found yourself some hippie asshole, though I just guessed that. But that’s the gist of it anyway. And you didn’t even tell me about this! You’re such an ignorant asshole, I can’t even with you right now,’’ Kenny looked away in disgust.

‘’Did you have a question?’’ Kyle asked, annoyed. He crossed his arms like Kenny was the one in the wrong right now, which was fucking rich, and Kenny was livid again.

‘’My question is what the fucking hell are you doing, huh?’’ Kenny asked, back to a solid black column of pure fire, about to rein down on this fool unless he started making sense of this fucked up situation. Kyle was not supposed to be like this. He was destined to be with Stan, that’s the rules. Shit starts going wrong when you fuck with the rules, that’s just hell knowledge right there.

‘’What the hell do you care? You’re apparently gay, figure it out for yourself,’’ Kyle spat. Kenny needed to kick something, so he kicked Kyle in the leg, nowhere near as hard as he could. Kyle was taken back for a second, then a wall of fire himself.

‘’Do you want to fucking die?’’ Kyle asked, coming up to Kenny. Kenny was prepared to go, he’d survived much worse than little Kyle’s hissy fits of anger. This was overdue anyway.

‘’Who the fuck is this prick?’’ Kenny asked, grabbing at Kyle’s shirt and pulling him closer, seething. Kyle growled like a caged dog, tearing Kenny’s arms away.

‘’It’s a guy, asshole. I’m sorry you couldn’t keep the fame on yourself for coming out, but shit happens, so fucking get used to it,’’ Kyle said, holding his fist at Kenny’s chest in warning to not fucking dare come any closer. Kenny dared, oh he fucking dared.

‘’Being gay is one thing, having a boyfriend is another. You’re not supposed to have one, Kyle. You should know this shit!’’ Kenny yelled. Kyle grind his teeth and shoved him hard, and the little fucker was surprisingly strong, making Kenny stumble back. Kyle came up to him, pulling Kenny down to his level, looking angry enough to spit in his face. He pointed a finger at Kenny’s face.

‘’Why the fuck am I not allowed to have a goddamn boyfriend huh? Cos you don’t want me to be happy? Because you’re an envious bitch? Spit it out, hotshot, what the fuck is it!’’ Kyle barked.

‘’Because you’re supposed to be with Stan! Obviously!’’ Kenny shouted, as if those words had ever been any clearer. Kyle stumbled back, a look of pure shock and mild horror on his face, as he stared at Kenny. Kenny stood back up straight, adjusting his jacket. Kyle blinked multiple times, the same look on his face.

‘’Ah- what?’’ Kyle asked quietly. Kenny released a long breath.

‘’Stan. If you were ever going to come out and be gay, it has to be with Stan. Not some West coast douchebag,’’ Kenny said, letting the flames licking around his chest flicker out.

‘’But- Kenny, he’s-. And I’m-‘’ Kyle left off there, gesturing to the air like his words would make sense. Kenny sighed.

‘’You make shit too complicated, dude. Fuck,’’ Kenny shook his head.

‘’But not Stan. He’s my-. And he’s straight anyway,’’ Kyle frowned.

‘’You don’t understand, Kyle. You haven’t been here to see what I have. You didn’t stumble into the bathroom before to witness what I did,’’ Kenny said, thinking about it, his heart breaking again. Kyle perked his head up.

‘’Bathroom? What?’’ Kyle asked. Did Kenny promise Stan not to tell Kyle about this? He doesn’t remember defining words, but he knows Stan would be beyond pissed off and embarrassed if Kyle found out. Like Kenny usually does shit, he takes a stab in the dark, hoping this direction could benefit his best friends, with only the good will he can give them, and the probably bad advice and keys. Regardless, he will not watch a blooming flower fade and die of dehydration. Whatever ropes he has to severe to get to that sweet sweet gratitude.

‘’Dude, I found him puking his organs out and crying in a bathroom stall.’’

The change on Kyle’s face was swift. It was one of pure horror and unwavering guilt, sickening to the bones in it’s equally depressing effect of Kenny that Stan’s eyes had. And it only got worse, making his eyes dim and fade with the wrenching inevitable break of Kyle’s heart.

‘’Dude,’’ Kyle said, the softest and cruellest reverence in his wavering voice. Kyle put his hands over his mouth, and they slid up to cover his whole face, which was had grown pale. This kind of pure unfiltered dread was rare, and in its effect the anger Kenny felt coursing through his veins at the nerve of him, dissipated, turning into remorseful sympathy. Kind of like when he found Stan, he knew lecturing and spouting shit would do nothing, so he sat there and offered water and a comforting hand while Stan regained a little health. He put his troubles aside, and helped his buddy out. He did this for Kyle, giving him an embrace like looked like he needed with his sick little pale face of terror.

‘’Did- did he say anything?’’ Kyle asked, shivering slightly. Kenny knew what he was asking, he was wondering if any confessional blurts were offered in between the crying and vomiting. Kenny could so obviously see that Stan was tortured over it, destroying himself over the fact that Kyle had someone else. If that didn’t speak indescribable true love, jealousy at its peak, then he didn’t know what did. But Stan had offered nothing at the time up from wibbled fits of crying and inaudible words.

‘’He was more indirect,’’ Kenny decided on saying, since it was the truth, if a little skewed. Kyle held his hands as fists over his eyes, not crying, but seeming to hold his frustration in shaky hard pants of breath. Kenny released him, since he seemed to get over the initial shock.

‘’Is he okay now?’’ Kyle asked, peeking at Kenny through his hand. Kenny shrugged.

‘’He’s as okay as someone who’s found their best friend again, then lost them, then cried a vomit tsunami. But he went home, which I think is pretty fucking fair,’’ Kenny said, not thinking too much about Kyle’s growing louder groans until he stepped away, and started bashing his head into the lockers.

‘’Dude, what the hell is wrong with you?’’ Kenny asked in concern, as Kyle stopped and leant his head against the lockers, panting harder in angry puffs. He turned back to Kenny with an absolutely wrecked face, tears silently streaming down his cheeks as he gave Kenny his own version of the broken eyes.

‘’I fucked up so bad,’’ Kyle moaned with a higher voice, covering his face again as more tears silently streamed down. He wasn’t even making wibbling sounds as he cried, like Stan did. But his voice was so heartbreakingly hopeless, making him sound younger than ever.

‘’Huh?’’

Kyle gave him a sad pathetic stare, dropping his hands from his face, letting them flop to his sides.

‘’It was a mistake, but I didn’t think it would go this badly. I deserve to die,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Dude- what! What’s going on? Why are you talking like this?’’ Kenny asked, slightly worried. Kyle turned away again, putting his head on the lockers, but just resting it there this time.

‘’You’ll hate me if I tell you. It’s evil. I’m evil,’’ Kyle said. Kenny walked to the lockers where he was, leaning his shoulder into them beside Kyle.

‘’You’ve done loads of terrible shit, but you always learn from your mistakes. That’s why you’re forgiven. So just tell me what’s up, and I’ll forgive you. I just need to know one thing,’’ Kenny said, patting Kyle’s shoulder. Kyle turned to peek at him again.

‘’What?’’

‘’Do you love Stan?’’ Kenny asked, needing to know before he could proceed. Kyle’s expression grew sharper, and he frowned.

‘’Of course I do, dude. He’s my best friend,’’ Kyle said.

‘’No,’’ Kenny shook his head. ‘’You know what I mean. Do you love Stan? Real love?’’ Kenny asked. Kyle scoffed.

‘’What the hell do you want me to say? That I want Stan’s babies? Huh? Well, congratulations, I fucking do, alright?’’ Kyle was bright red as he said this, but his face was scowling still. Kenny knew, but having Kyle admit it to him was huge progress, and maybe he could salvage the situation. Somehow.

‘’Well, see. That’s what I don’t get. Why are you dating some San Franciscan asshole? Stan’s right here dude,’’ Kenny said. Kyle went redder, but it didn’t seem embarrassment as much as an internal battle.

‘’That’s the thing. Ah, shit.’’ Kyle groaned.

‘’Tell me,’’ Kenny said, impatiently.

‘’I don’t have a boyfriend. It’s- ah, not real,’’ Kyle said, wincing at Kenny. Kenny stared.

‘’Dude- what.’’

‘’I know, I know. I made a huge mistake. I don’t know what to do- shit,’’ Kyle said, banging his head once against the lockers. Kenny had to backtrack.

‘’Woah- woah- wait! What?’’ Kenny exclaimed, his jaw hanging open.

‘’I just- panicked, okay. We were talking like- seriously and stuff, and then it seemed like Stan was going to kiss me, and he didn’t. I was just annoyed, and I thought if he might get jealous enough, he’d grow a pair and do something about it. I didn’t mean for that though. Oh god- poor Stan,’’ Kyle said, looking out in the distance as though he was standing nearby.

‘’Jesus Christ Kyle. So you made that guy up?’’ Kenny asked, trying to process how insane Kyle was. He’d always been creative, but Jesus Christ.

‘’No, he’s a real person. My friend Trent from my old school in San Francisco. He knows I’m gay, but- it’s just the first name that popped into my head that I could’ve actually used as a pretend relationship. He knows about Stan and everything,’’ Kyle said. He turned and fell back on the lockers, sighing. Kenny continued to stare, wondering what the hell to do. He would not have expected this in a million years, actually.

‘’You have to tell Stan, dude. He was devastated, don’t drag him on like this,’’ Kenny said.

‘’And what, say I made up dating someone so Stan would get jealous and finally kiss me? I’m still apeshit scared of telling him, it’s not that simple,’’ Kyle said, rubbing his eyes.

‘’It’s not simple, but you’ve made it like that. All you guys had to do was kiss when you flew into each other’s arms. You didn’t have to do this shit. Seriously, you guys make things so much harder than they have to be,’’ Kenny said. Kyle continued breathing heavily, and that was the only thing they heard in the now desolate halls. Kenny wondered where everyone went, because they were kids in the hall when Kenny came over here in a fire of anger.

‘’How did you get together with Butters?’’ Kyle asked, disbelief still in his tone.

‘’His dad, actually. He was hitting Butters for doing chores wrong, and I noticed over time when Butters would come to school bruised. I knew he loved me, he’s the worst secret keeper, just an open book, but I didn’t really take it seriously until one day, and his dad beat him so bad he came to school with a cracked rib. I was so pissed off at the time, I still am, you have no idea. But someway in between crying, I sat him down, helped him with the lesser cuts, and kissed him to make him feel better. That moment we both knew, and soon after, his father received his comeuppance,’’ Kenny said, grinning, despite the hurt in his chest at remembering all that.

‘’What did you do?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Nothing, man. But Mysterion made sure that vile man never hit his son again,’’ Kenny said. It was both victorious and painful to think about, but he’d do it all again, if he had to see the completely shattering look Butters gave him, not for what happened, but that Kenny witnessed a dark aside of his life he’d done well to hide from everyone all this time. He was actually good at hiding, despite his open demeanour, and he did it so well that Kenny has assumed all that time that he had the worst parents in town. It was even more shattering to know that no, his weren’t even the worst.

Kyle was staring, giving Kenny a pained look that was partly for Kenny’s situation, partly for his own.

‘’I don’t know what to do. I can’t tell him- he’ll hate me for lying to him,’’ Kyle said, back to covering his face.

‘’Well, I don’t know. Either tell him the truth and risk his anger, or pretend to break up with your friend. But, honestly Kyle, Stan won’t be mad, he’ll be so relieved, I’m telling you,’’ Kenny assured him. Kyle lifted his head.

‘’What did you say? About breaking up,’’ Kyle said, wheels turning in his eyes.

‘’Oh god- No! No, Kyle, stop thinking! That’s what caused this, just stop!’’ Kenny warned. Kyle shook his head.

‘’No, you’re right. That could work,’’ Kyle said, holding his mouth in thought.

‘’Oh fuck. Please, Kyle, this can be solved right now. Just go over to Stan’s house, tell him the truth, and things will work out. Stop plotting, it never works. You can fix everything and have Stan right now, if you just listen to me!’’ Kenny shook Kyle’s shoulders, trying to get some sense planted into him. He’s probably been damaged for a long time, because the fool was actually considering that ridiculous failure of an even more elaborate lie to trick Stan.

‘’Thanks Kenny. I think that’ll work, it’s much easier that way,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Are you fucking retarded? What did I just tell you? Don’t make things worse, this won’t benefit anyone, and you’ll have to go through some big elaborate secrecy bullshit where everyone will get confused and you’ll have to come out in the end and say what you’ve learned, before things are okay again. We’ve done this so many fucking times, surely you haven’t forgotten. Just don’t do anything crazy, be honest, get it over with. Rip the fucking band aid off,’’ Kenny said, elaborating each word to make sure Kyle comprehended them. Honestly, this was such bullshit. Kenny would not be involved with another South Park shindig. Kyle was frowning at him.

‘’I can’t,’’ Kyle said, still so blind. Kenny groaned.

‘’You know what? I don’t even care anymore. I’m over this involved shit. Let me know when you come back to earth. Just stop hurting Stan, already. Rip the fucking band aid off,’’ Kenny said, before throwing his hands up and walking away from that stupid fool. He didn’t look back, but he knew Kyle was a stubborn shit, and once he had a plan concocted in that fucked up headspace of his, nothing would stop him, until everything stopped him. Kenny didn’t need to get involved for things to crumble down around him. He made a prediction then, that this would turn into a huge elaborate game of lying and secrets that will blow up in their faces and force them to admit everything at gunpoint, before some stupid ending made everything okay again. Same old South Park shit. Goddammit, Kenny was so sick of this town.

Well, Butters was right about one thing. Kyle thinks he knows goddamn everything.


	5. Floods and Feelings in synchronisation

By the time Stan actually made it home, his eyes were burning and crusted, his stomach lurching uncomfortably, and his head throbbing. No one was at home, his parents at work, so Stan used the spare key to get inside, too wrecked to feel happy he wouldn’t get caught ditching school. He collapsed into bed and passed out before his head hit the pillow, and sleep approached like jagged waves that knocked him out cold.

He slept for hours, drifting awake just as the last of the afternoon sun faded from the sky and left his bedroom in hazy darkness. He had his blanket pulled up, but he was sweltering hot. His mouth tasted like barf, which was fair, and he put having a shower above thinking about anything, no matter how much he needed to consider everything. He wouldn’t go back to school acting like a jealous lunatic again, it was embarrassing enough when only Kyle saw it.

Under the cool splash of water in the shower, Stan held his face up to the sprinkles of the nozzle and sighed. He only saw one colour whenever he closed his eyes. Undiluted watery green, like moss under a crystal clear creek, almost glittering in its opaque movements against the water. It had nothing to do with nature, it was just those eyes, and Stan was being a flowery little poet about it. He missed Kyle already, even if seeing him right now would make Stan think bitterly and hate everyone on the west coast. Ugh.

He stayed in the shower, washing his hair for an excuse to stay under longer, though no one was home to yell at him to stop wasting water. The purely physical acts made his heart ache, which was all wrong, because he hoped they’d be distracting. They just made Stan want to get Kyle under here and wash his voluminous curls for him.

Towelling himself off made him want to tenderly pat Kyle’s body down from the shower with a fluffy towel so it didn’t irritate his skin, which seemed too fair for roughness. Though, San Francisco sun did his skin some good, it looked tanner than before. Back then, when Kyle still lived in snowy South Park, it appeared as ghostly and white as the snow itself, which only made his eyes glow brighter. But of course it was never like an actual ginger’s pale skin, Stan was just romantic about his colours and liked the idea of Kyle’s skin being snow.

He sluggishly crawled back into his room, just putting on some boxers, wondering what to do. He’d like to sleep more, but he’ll be awake all night if he had another nap now. He didn’t want a silent deafening night alone with his thoughts, it was bad enough in daylight.

He couldn’t eat, his stomach was threatening him that anything he forced down there would just come back up like; _is that the best you can do? fuck you._ So he went and cleaned his teeth, prolonging that too to get all traces of vomit from his breath. And then nothing, he couldn’t stop thinking about it, and he couldn’t distract himself anymore with menial tasks. He fell on his back on his bed, and stared up into the ceiling while his heart started decaying again.

Kenny told him to work on a battleplan, and use his time wisely. All Stan wants to do is wave a white flag of surrender, surrendering himself to everything, to Kyle, to his new situation that tears his organs out piece by piece. He still can’t figure out why it destroys him like this, he can’t work it out. His heart doesn’t tell him anything but; you fucked up, in the form of crumbling beats like it’s giving up on his body along with everything else. It hurts, it fucking hurts to breath. And he doesn’t even know why.

He’s in no state of mind to be thinking properly, even after resting and feeling physically refreshed. His soul is an old withered hag that couldn’t be scrubbed clean it he tried. Stan heard the front door opening, his parents were home most likely, or one of them at least. Stan made no effort to go and see who it was, and hoped they wouldn’t come upstairs to see him. He was so not in the mood. His phone buzzed on his end table, and Stan didn’t remember leaving it there, but his brain was fogged over when he first came home, so he couldn’t trust it. The screen lit up in his face when he reached for it, and there were three text messages from Kyle.

_12.45pm: Where are u?_

_1.34pm: Kenny told me u went home. R u ok?_

_3.03pm: I’m coming over._

It was 3.05 now, he had just sent that last message, and Stan was conflicted. He desperately wanted to see Kyle, but he did not want Kyle to see him in his destroyed state, though he’d showered and physically looked fresher than before. He considered texting him to not come here, but he couldn’t make himself type the words. He needed Kyle, he couldn’t do this on his own, even if Kyle was paramount to the problem.

Stan put on a shirt and some jeans, and waited for Kyle to arrive, lacking anything to do but torture himself with more thoughts. He wondered if Kyle would hug him ever again like he did in the halls, with that desperate and longing strength that made Stan feel temporarily complete before shattering his heart about the news of his boyfriend. Despite this, Stan was so proud of Kyle, for coming out to him, and out to himself as well. He ignored his hurt about not being told earlier, maybe six months earlier when he first got that boyfriend.

 _Trent_. Trent something was his name, and whoever it happened to be, Stan couldn’t help feel shattered even more with the way Kyle talked about him, like someone he cared about enough to repeat stuff about speaking other languages and playing drums and their hair colour like it was. He didn’t want to ever see this guy, because right now he was imagining some ugly dude, and if that image was destroyed with someone handsome and attractive, Stan would die. He would die on the spot. He didn’t really know why it mattered, but it did.

Only when Stan heard voices from downstairs, the surprised happy sound of his mother, and the familiar voice of Kyle, did he realise how poorly he planned for the risk of him crying again, this time in front of Kyle. He couldn’t do anything now, and he heard footsteps coming up the stairs and getting closer. Stan stayed sitting on the bed, cross legged and awkward, wondering last second if he would cry.

Then Kyle was at his doorway, staring at him with an unreadable expression, waiting. He still looked good, just like as though Stan was seeing him for the first time again, and he realised this was the first time Kyle’s been in his house, in Stan’s room, for four years. Kyle was significantly shorter back then, but he’s never quite grown as much as Stan and Kenny, and Stan thinks that’s a trait from Sheila, who- just like Kyle, always made up for it in attitude.

‘’Hey,’’ Kyle said, staying in the doorway, closing it behind him. Stan wouldn’t have expected himself to crumble this early, but his eyes were wet, and it was too late now.

‘’Kyle,’’ Stan said pathetically, his voice breaking when Kyle didn’t immediately jump into his arms like before. Kyle’s face broke and his own eyes glistened with wetness. Stan held his arms out, and Kyle rushed forward in two steps, falling into Stan’s arms with a soft little noise in his throat. Stan held him tightly, hiding his face in Kyle’s shoulder and revelling in having Kyle where he’s supposed to be at all times. Everywhere else felt so wrong, so so wrong.

Kyle hoisted his legs up to the bed, bringing them down over Stan’s, and Stan was reminded of how those legs cinched around his waist when they collided in the halls, and how much he loved it. Kyle softly slid his hands up and down Stan’s back, and Stan blinked out the few tears that escaped without his permission, sliding down his cheeks and onto Kyle’s shirt. Stan kept his hold on him strong, not letting him go. They stayed like that for hours, or minutes, Stan couldn’t tell anymore. He just kept wishing in his head that he could keep Kyle like this, safe in his embrace, forever.

‘’Everything’s fucked,’’ Stan muffled into Kyle’s shoulder. Kyle sighed against him, and Stan felt it in his rising and falling chest snug against his own. His whole body felt buzzing, satiated and calm, and for a few glorious moments, it felt just as perfect as before. Before Stan knew what changed.

‘’I know,’’ Kyle whispered, gripping Stan’s shirt.

‘’How are you actually here?’’ Stan asked, not used to this feeling, being held for the first time in years, feeling complete and tragically empty at the same time. His heart was a changing zigzag of beating fast and scarily hard, and not working at all. And it was all for the boy in his arms, nothing else has made him feel for years, he’s been an open husk of a body, barely functioning enough to stand and put up with everyone at school. It felt like when he turned ten, when the only thing he could feel was vacancy and shit.

‘’You don’t seem real after all this time. I’m so used to seeing your face on videochat that I can’t place the rest of you. You got so big,’’ Kyle said softly, touching Stan’s arms, his back, his hair. Stan closed his eyes and heated every touch Kyle gave him, shivering. He refused to let go, he couldn’t. Kyle seemed equally reluctant to release at all.

‘’Why did you leave?’’ Stan said brokenly, fully aware it wasn’t Kyle’s choice. He was blaming god here, for letting him go, for ripping him away from Stan when he needed him the most.

‘’I missed you so much Stan, so so much,’’ Kyle said, turned his head to Stan’s cheek, Stan could feel wet sticky skin from his cheek clinging, and he never wanted anything else more at that moment.

‘’I’m never letting you go anywhere else ever again,’’ Stan vowed, trying to believe Kyle belonged to him enough for that to be always true. He didn’t want to think about it, but one day Trent might mean more to Kyle, and he’ll want to go back to San Francisco to be with him. Stan’s heart felt like crumbling to dust at the thought, so he stopped thinking about it.

‘’I know. I won’t Stan. I’ll stay with you forever,’’ Kyle said, and he tensed slightly, backed away to look at Stan. His face was pink and flushed, but he looked determined. Stan was overly hot, but he kept his grip on Kyle tight, and stared at him with broken eyes, silently begging to make things better again. He’s not even sure how that would happen, but he just wanted to put all of his trust into Kyle’s arms and know he’ll carry it wherever he goes.

‘’Why didn’t you tell me earlier?’’ Stan asked sadly. Kyle made the understanding immediately, averting his gaze.

‘’I was embarrassed, mostly. Because it’s such a proud thing being out over there, and I’m not that confident. I pretend to be, but I could barely come out to people I barely knew, let alone you,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Yet you got a boyfriend?’’ Stan asked quietly. Kyle’s cheeks went redder, which didn’t do much to quench Stan’s fear and theorising of what they’ve done already. He looked like he was about to speak, and looked back at Stan and wilted. Stan’s heart was slowly being worked over with a knife, and it was even crueller that he was holding Kyle like this while being tortured.

‘’I- uh,’’ Kyle paused, staring nervously at Stan. Stan waited with a desperate look, trying to convey that he couldn’t handle being tortured by hearing more about this guy. ‘’Stan, I-‘’

‘’What?’’ Stan asked when Kyle continued to stare with his mouth stuck open mid-sentence.

‘’I- I can’t do this,’’ Kyle said, his voice breaking.

‘’Do what?’’ Stan asked.

Tears slid down Kyle’s cheeks, and Stan gaped for a second, before pulling him close again automatically. Kyle blubbered on his shoulder, and it only set Stan off, if it was possible for him to squeeze out any more tears today. A few managed, and he hid his face in Kyle’s hair, breathing in deeply. He tried to stop his sadness for Kyle’s sake, because the one thing that broke Stan’s heart more than Kyle being claimed, was him crying. It was the knife in the heart thing if the knife was a nuke, and his heart was made of wet paper.

‘’I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’’ Kyle repeated with watery gasps, as Stan shushed him and rubbed his back, clinging hard, trying to absorb his pain. Anything.

‘’Please, Kyle, tell me what’s wrong. Please dude, please,’’ Stan cried, trying to get Kyle to look at him. When he did, his face was tear streaked and bright red, his watery green eyes glimmering with unshed tears.

‘’I didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m so sorry,’’ Kyle blubbered. Stan brushed Kyle’s tears off his cheeks with a shaking hand.

‘’Hurt me?’’ Stan asked, his vision fogging with water. He blinked it out, looking at Kyle for elaboration. Kyle breathed out, his hot breath heavy on Stan’s face.

‘’Kenny told me about the bathroom,’’ Kyle said.

‘’He did?’’ Stan’s voice was shaky and pathetic, but he couldn’t change it. Kyle nodded, more tears slipping out and down his wet cheeks. Stan didn’t know if he should be angry or hysterical or upset, but more tears fell, the front of his shirt was damp now, and he didn’t know what to feel. He wasn’t sure if he should be glad, or relieved it wasn’t a secret. He didn’t know what to feel.

He especially didn’t know what to feel when Kyle put his slender hands on either side of Stan’s face, and leant in and softly pressed his lips against Stan’s. Stan felt the heat from Kyle’s face radiate onto his, but his own felt like a wild blush, and he kept perfectly deathly still, even when Kyle released from him with soft gasp. Kyle stared at Stan with wide unblinking wet eyes, his face a peculiar shade of strawberry. Stan’s confusion ran deeper than he ever thought possible until now. He touched his lips, feeling a lingering heat on them, from where Kyle kissed him. Kyle kissed him.

‘’Oh,’’ Stan said, his voice barely above a whisper. Now he understood.


	6. Making Bets and saliva

‘’Kyle,’’ Stan said slowly, blinking heavily and carefully. His face was flushed, and he felt like he would vomit if anything else could be purged from his stomach today. Maybe he would anyway. Kyle was staring, seemingly in a trance, parting his mouth in slow growing horror. The dried up tears on his face were making his stain cheeks look vaguely out of a horror movie, and it made Stan’s gut lurch with dread and guilt.

‘’I-I forget I did that,’’ Kyle said suddenly, switching back on, sitting back and off Stan’s legs. ‘’That was- an accident, a- a joke. Shit- no. Forget it.’’ Kyle shook his head profusely, giving Stan a panicked look.

‘’What-’’ Stan was confused, again, but this time for different reasons. The growing awareness of what happened hit him like a tidal wave of information, hidden looks, longing feelings, heart palpitations for no reason. It had a reason, and it took that boost of physical contact, he could still fucking feel Kyle’s heat on his lips, and he wanted to lick it off, absorb the warmth. He wanted to absorb the heat of him, he wanted to do it again.

Oh fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

‘’Oh _fuck,_ ’’ Kyle said what he was thinking, but he was currently getting off Stan’s bed, stumbling off with his hands in his face, breathing like a steam train, loud and pressured. Stan stared, his chest doing a catapult into a theoretical volcano, making his body lose function.

‘’Kyle,’’ Stan repeated, when Kyle paced around the room, muttering obscenities to himself and crazy incoherent ramblings, his face still hidden. Then he turned to Stan, his sad red face had turned into one of mortification.

‘’What?’’ Kyle said, his tone higher and crazed.

‘’C’mere,’’ Stan said. Kyle widened his eyes, if that was possible with their current size.

‘’What? No, I-‘’

‘’Kyle. Come here,’’ Stan said, firmer, finding it easier to put Kyle’s panic above his own, which felt irrelevant in regard to making Kyle feel better. Kyle stopped pacing, blinked, and slowly walked back to the bed, his face entranced into Stan’s. He stopped at the base, where Stan scooted forward and held his arms, so he wouldn’t escape again. Kyle flinched, but otherwise didn’t move, staring into Stan’s eyes with a trembling bottom lip.

All that time, all that energy, all that jealousy. All of it was for this boy. He didn’t even realise until it was staring him in the face, close to giving up because he’d been unaware all this time, all this fucking time. Kenny was right, but it didn’t matter. Kyle mattered, and Kyle was here.

Stan leaned up and kissed him. He held Kyle’s burning face in his hands, and pressed their lips together. He closed his eyes, after watching Kyle close his, sighing into it- in relief. Kyle gasped and parted his lips, just softly, and Stan cautiously pressed his tongue in further to feel the heat of his mouth. Kyle welcomed it like a man dying of thirst, opening his mouth so quickly and willingly Stan wondered how long he wanted this.

They kissed in the dying sunlight of the sky, rays falling into the rooms in an orange hue, the rest of the room dark. It was deathly quiet, and Stan swore he could hear the beat of Kyle’s heart below the soft wet noises of their kissing. Or his own. It didn’t even matter.

His face burned and his heart throbbed, and he kept kissing Kyle, licking into his welcoming wet mouth like this moment would last forever. The room felt lost in time or something, Stan didn’t know how much time passed, all he could feel was Kyle. His tongue, his hot face, his hands trembling on Stan’s shoulders, steadying himself as he dove into Stan’s mouth further.

‘’Stan?’’ Kyle asked, breaking the kiss, finally, though Stan still mourned the loss of his lips.

‘’Hmm?’’

Kyle blushed, opened his mouth, and shut it.

‘’I- uh. Do you love me?’’ Kyle blurted, brows creasing.

‘’Yes,’’ the answer felt so easy now. So easy, and he didn’t need to think about it, he just had to look at Kyle and know. ‘’So much, dude. I’m sorry.’’

Stan was sorry, for lying, for pretending, for hiding this truth that Kyle obviously needed too much. Kyle bit his lip.

‘’Why are _you_ sorry?’’ Kyle asked, his voice breaking.

‘’I- for not telling you earlier. For letting you go, for letting you into someone else’s arms,’’ Stan said, realisation washing over him. Trent, the boyfriend. Kyle’s eyes widened at the mention.

‘’I didn’t- I wouldn’t,’’ Kyle stammered, shaking his head. ‘’He didn’t touch me. I- uh…’’

Stan was relieved to hear Trent hadn’t touched Kyle, and it felt real now, true. Kyle looked at Stan again, parted his mouth, then pushed him down into the bed. Stan was too surprised at first to take in as Kyle straddled his hips and kissed him again, pushing his lips apart, more forcefully now. Stan didn’t resist it, let Kyle lick into him with hunger, even held his waist steady as he did. Kyle was softly moving his hips above Stan’s, and it made Stan’s cock twitch from below. He was overtaken, and could barely react when Kyle’s own boner pressed down into him, except feel so aroused by it.

‘’Stan,’’ Kyle moaned, panting away from him for a few seconds, before, pushing him back down and attacking his mouth again, leaving trails of dribble around their mouths. ‘’I love you, Stan, I do. I do, I do,’’ Kyle repeated this as he kissed him like a mantra, pressing his face to him, before going in for his tongue again.

Stan barely had time to breath- and overwhelmed, grabbed Kyle’s waist and pulled him off. Kyle had a moment to be confused before Stan pushed him down onto his back and collapsed on top of him, dropping his weight down, pressing his erection into Kyle’s thigh, his heart pumping loud. Kyle growled for a second before Stan took favour of his mouth again, feeling overpowered by lust, controlling his actions like a garish wolf.

‘’Fuck, _oh_ ’’ Kyle squeaked in a high pitch when Stan moved his tongue down to his neck, lathering his skin in saliva before nibbling and biting in his sensitive spots. Kyle grabbed his hair in a vice grip, his legs clamped together by Kyle’s shaking thighs, hips flicking rapidly, erratically. Stan felt like his whole body was electrified, nothing had ever felt like this, not that he’d actually done this. All that time alone, spent mourning Kyle, was mourning something he didn’t even realise until now. He felt like a bit of an idiot, but couldn’t chastise himself too much with Kyle’s thighs shaking around him like that. Clamped around him like he did when they first jumped onto each other in the hallway. So that’s why he loved it so much.

‘’God- Kyle. Kyle,’’ Stan said, dazed, overtaken by thoughts, overtaken by his body reacting as Kyle rubbed himself down onto Stan. He didn’t know what to think, but that he wouldn’t want it to stop if a fucking meteor hit the earth. He’d die before stopping this. He loved Kyle so much, and could feel it, like a clean beautiful wave of love washing over the two of them. Kyle would cringe at that phrasing, but it was so true, and Kyle was _his._ He had to be now.

**

‘’Ken! What do you see?’’ Butters whisper yelled from the ground. Twigs snapped and stuck into Kenny’s leg as he adjusted his position on the fat branch of the tree, grunting and trying to get a better view.

‘’Uhhhh. I see…uh- oh! Oh wow, they’re kissing!’’ Kenny said in surprise, widening his eyes at the sight. There in the view of the open window of Stan’s room on the second floor, Stan and Kyle were making out on the bed, Stan pressed above Kyle as they dry humped there. He was not expecting to see that.

After that frustrating conversation earlier in the day with Kyle, Kenny mulled over the situation a lot, and got a fresh perspective through Butters about it. Frankly, he was still pissed off to the point where he never wanted to stick his nose into other’s business again, but also extremely curious about the ending to this fucked up story plot. So here they are now, spying into Stan’s room, and they found out Kyle had gone to visit him. Kenny wondered what he said, that led to them biting like panthers, rather than the awkward fake boyfriend talk. He hoped Kyle had told the truth.

‘’Oh boy! Then it’s right! They are more than buddies now!’’ Butters exclaimed from the ground as Kenny tried to move closer to see more from the tree.

‘’I told you Butterscotch!’’ Kenny said, leaning further in as Kyle moved his hand under Stan’s shirt and up his back, both of them clinging tight. ‘’Jesus, guys,’’ Kenny whispered to himself, impressed as he watched them.

‘’What are they doing now!’’ Butters asked.

‘’Still kissing, oh- my. They’re really going for it, Stan’s humping the poor kid like an animal. But- oh! Yeah, Kyle likes it,’’ Kenny narrated, hypnotised by their performance.

‘’Lemme see!’’ Butters said excitedly, bouncing from the ground. Kenny grinned and climbed back down, and hoisting Butters up for his turn. Butters grunted as he climbed up to the branch, and gasped before he fully got his footing, obviously seeing the sight that everyone’s been looking for this whole time.

‘’Geeez,’’ Butters said, unblinking to the window, his eyes widening more- probably witnessing something even more porn-worthy.

‘’Does that remind you of us or what!’’ Kenny called up to him. Butters blushed, and looked back down to Kenny, his legs swaying from the branch he sat on.

‘’They’re goin’ at it pretty rough,’’ Butters said, turning back to the window.

‘’Trust me, baby, they’ve needed to do this for a long time,’’ Kenny assured him from the ground. He smiled, hoping this would stay simple from now on, and not be so fucking dramatic. That scare Kyle gave him today was enough. So much had happened, it was crazy to think Kyle had only come home today. Then he remembered something else.

‘’Oh! Butters, you owe me twenty bucks! I said, Stan and Kyle would be making out before the day was out, and you can see it clearly as me!’’ Kenny proclaimed proudly, grinning as Butters turned back at him with an admonishing grin.

‘’All right, all right. You win,’’ Butters said.

‘’Let’s split a milkshake with the prize money, yeah?’’ Kenny suggested, beaming as Butters blushing smile widened even more. ‘’Wanna make a bet for when they’ll fuck?’’


	7. You are...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pure scum, dirt cheap scum. How dare I make people wait for updates, after specially stating it would be quick!
> 
> Well, as the Macklemore song says:
> 
> ~Baby I can't change, even if I tried. Even if I wanted to~

‘’I just can’t believe it’s finally true,’’ Butters exclaimed, taking a sip of a strawberry milkshake.

‘’I know, here I was thinking they’d be stuck in that weirdly sexually tense friend zone forever. I thought I’d be making fun of them at parties when they got drunk- or better yet convincing them to hook up while wasted,’’ Kenny said, leaning in where Butter’s cupped the large milkshake and taking a sip out of the straw close to him. They were sitting at the diner in town, on the front steps on the ground as they watched people pass the street.

‘’I’m sure relieved they figured it out now though,’’ Butters said, watching Kenny drink. Kenny winked at him and ruffled his hair when Butters got caught, and he dopily grinned.

‘’Well, we still don’t know how much they’ve figured out. Though the obvious boners those two had were a good sign. I always say sexual release is the easiest way to confess,’’ Kenny stated scientifically. Just remembering the sight of his two best friends making out like maniacs was the best thing he’d seen all year. And all in one day, Kyle had only just moved. He knew they wouldn’t last, the tension of being back in arms grip of each other would have the two of them like white hot boners bumping into shit and hugging each other until they started humping. Which they did. His faith had been drastically reaffirmed.

‘’But that wasn’t the way we did it,’’ Butters argued. ‘’You took me in so sweetly and fixed me up, a-and gave me that little kiss. I still remember it,’’ Butters blushed, fiddling with the straw. Kenny bumped their noses together, nudging Butters up to look at him.

‘’That was equally the wisest and most selfish thing I’ve ever done,’’ Kenny said seriously, watching with glee as Butters beamed. It was completely true, and he didn’t regret a thing. That night afterwards of course, he did some rib breaking soul searching that destroyed him, believing himself to be a stupid selfish dumbass for trying to have this thing for himself, when his biology didn’t allow such things like love to exist in his world. Having it would only cause pain- pain for Butters that Kenny needed to steer very clear away from him. That’s why he’d never gotten very close as kids. Butter’s innocence would have been utterly destroyed being swarmed by the sickening darkness that was Kenny and his life.

Now he ignored that pang of disgust in himself for ignoring responsibility. Because every time Butters was near, when he smiled like a pure beam of sunlight, when he blushed like blossom leaves, when he giggled like a lovesick angel. Kenny was damn selfish with that gift to the world, because he stole it for himself, and fuelled himself with that purity that nothing else came close. His darkness was shone out by Butters, and he’s been on a consistent high ever since. Not even fucking Stan and Kyle’s depressing situation all those years wore him down.

‘’Aw, _Ken_ ,’’ Butters cooed, leaning in sweetly. Kenny licked his delicious plump lips open, tasting strawberry syrup and natural divine purity, and purred at Butter’s soft and pliable welcome of his tongue. Yes he’s a poet about Butter’s fantastic lips, who have others been kissing that they’re not?

‘’ _Aww_ sick! You assholes don’t even keep it in your pants in public,’’ a voice sneered from the sidewalk, jolting Kenny out of Butter’s little love trance. Cartman lay behold to his poor eyes when he glanced to the direction of the voice. He stood watching them with a pudgy sneer, grossly next to a much less sizeable Wendy Testaburger, who looked ready to deck Cartman at his words. She’d been trying to train that pathetic blob for years, to hilariously unchanged results.

‘’Eric, shut the fuck up,’’ Wendy scolded, hitting his arm. Cartman sneered at her too, but Kenny knew better than to assume he wasn’t assessing the likelihood of sex later, and holding his tongue from saying worse. Kenny trusted he had _way_ worse in stock.

‘’Hello dearest fatass. What pleasure do my eyes have in greeting you?’’ Kenny asked, making a show to lick Butters’ cheek slowly and vulgarly for his display. Cartman’s fat face scrunched up almost comically.

‘’God- _nasty_ ,’’ Cartman spat, looking away.

‘’Eric- what did I tell you! Stop being homophobic you asshole,’’ Wendy said angrily.

‘’Bitch calm down. You tell me with a straight face that Kenny isn’t dirt poor sickness all on his own,’’ Cartman said. Wendy growled, and Cartman widened his eyes at the terrifying sound she made. Kenny sighed, leaning onto Butter’s shoulder while he quietly watched- most likely holding his opinions out of kindness. The beautiful spirit child.

‘’How do you put up with this lard Wends?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’I don’t goddamn know sometimes,’’ Wendy said, still glaring at Cartman. Cartman scoffed.

‘’As if, ho. You can’t live without me,’’ Cartman boasted.

‘’I could do better in my sleep, actually, asshole. Your uses barely satiate me, so fucking watch out,’’ Wendy said, jabbing her finger at him. Cartman just grinned, and Kenny knew immediately what he’d say.

‘’Oh really Wendy? So your greedy lust for my massive dick pleasuring you every day is just barely enough for you. Well, we all knew you were a hungry whore-‘’

‘’Shut your fucking mouth dickhead! God, you don’t say that shit in public you asshole. The fuck is wrong with you!’’ Wendy yelled.

‘’Could you please move your pointless public fight anywhere else?’’ Kenny asked boredly, tired of seeing this every day. It’s as though they were trying to convey this to everyone that they were functioning, no matter how fucked up it looked. Kenny believed it, because who the fuck would sleep with Cartman and not deny it fervently without harboring some feelings for him? It was all an act, surely. They fought every minute they could- or felt threatened. As though anyone was questioning it by now. They all knew Wendy had some mental issues by now, it was nothing to fawn over.

Kenny was just still confused as to why no other guy before Cartman managed to steal the fox after Stan broke up with her in fifth grade. No one else but Cartman even gave her an offer? She had to settle for him?

Well whatever. Apparently he has a huge dick.

Total lie. Kenny’s seen his dick more times than he can count. He’s fucking shared Cartman’s body. Anyone who knows Kenny knew that he’d checked his weeny out more than once. He fucking knows it’s nothing but a tic tac. Ha ha.

‘’We’re not fighting!’’ Wendy denied, going red, suddenly turning her angry look on Kenny. Kenny laughed at her defensiveness. She’d been doing it for years now, as though she’d be questioned as a person for enjoying the dick of a sadist. Of course she fucking was, everyone was judging her. They just didn’t say it, because together Wendy and Cartman were the ultimate dictators together of the world- or at least school until they figured out how to be elected. Kenny would carve a caveat for him and Butters down in Hell when that happened.

‘’Sure you’re not,’’ Kenny replied. ‘’Meanwhile, me and Butters don’t care, don’t we cupcake?’’

‘’Yeah,’’ Butters answered uneasily, probably uncomfortable. Kenny squeezed his side.

‘’Well, whatever. Just stop making fun of Eric,’’ Wendy said.

‘’Are you kidding me?’’ Kenny cackled. ‘’You were going off as him for being a penis, and now it’s my fault? Jesus, what manipulating potion has Cartman put in his jizz to make you like this?’’ Kenny asked.

If Wendy was a dragon, Kenny would be brutally murdered and burned. Many, many times by now. He just liked stirring the shit in the bucket that was their relationship. One upside was that whenever he spoke to either of them, he just felt smugly superior in his relationship with Butters. It was refreshing if anything.

After a lengthy rant by Wendy, and eventually Cartman when she rallied him to back her up, they finally left Kenny and Butters in piece with the rest of their bet milkshake.

‘’I might check up on Stan and Kyle a little later,’’ Kenny decided, wanting to get their gossip on the hot sex they’d probably be having this very moment. Kenny was so very proud of them.

‘’Alright Ken. I gotta get home soon anyways. My dad doesn’t like he hanging out in town of the afternoons. He says I’ll catch a disease from the other kids if I hang out with them too much,’’ Butters said.

‘’The asshole,’’ Kenny said. He hated Stephen Stotch more than anything.

‘’Yeah, he is,’’ Butters said. Every time Butters swore, was like receiving a blow job. But every time Butters talked smack about his family, was like a unicorn giving the blow job. He’d been going against his parents more and more, and Kenny couldn’t be more ecstatic for him, and for them. Maybe eventually Butters would have the guts to tell them he’s dating the town white trash.

**  
  


‘’Oh Fuck,’’ Stan whimpered out, feeling loose and waves of constant love and affection washing over him every moment longer. To think only earlier today he’d been contemplating being depressed and alone forever without Kyle, now here he was stretched out on his bed with Kyle sucking his dick with loving attention and worship. Stan couldn’t even bear watch, felt like he’d go off any moment if he so much as glanced at Kyle right now. What made it worse was Kyle daring him to look up with his eyes, piercing Stan in their delightful intensity, and making him quiver with shaky heady love. He was so gay, what the fuck.

‘’Do you like it?’’ Kyle asked worriedly, pulling off with a pant and looking Stan in the eyes.

‘’K-Kyle, I love you so much- the hell,’’ Stan grabbed Kyle as he yelped, flipping him over onto his back on the bed, where Stan collapsed, kissing on top of him.

‘’Stan!’’ Kyle exclaimed breathily, latching his fingers back through Stan’s hair, which Stan was deciding was where he always wanted them.

‘’Re-remember that time, ah, where we met in the halls?’’ Stan asked as Kyle crossed his legs back around Stan’s waist, the very emotional act of it making Stan throb with sad glee everywhere, kissing Kyle’s face.

‘’Yeah- ah god, that was the best moment of my life- I’ve missed you so much, I felt like I’d die if I couldn’t not hold you any longer,’’ Kyle said, arching his back and meeting the soon quick fluid motions of Stan’s hips.

‘’And you jumped onto me,’’ Stan said, licking Kyle’s fattened bottom lip like cream off a spoon.

‘’I would have kissed you if I hadn’t stopped myself,’’ Kyle panted, pulling Stan down now for a sweltering kiss with his tongue.

‘’That was the most erotic experience of my life, you pulling your whole body around me,’’ Stan breathed out when they released.

‘’Until now right?’’ Kyle said, grabbing Stan’s ass with one hand and pushing him further down against him, rubbing skin and pants. Stan groaned at the electric sparks it sent up his spine, and he held Kyle closer to him as they moved.

‘’Fuck- yeah, until now,’’ Stan repeated, nodding as Kyle led them in dry-humping against each other hungrily and like such amateurs. He wouldn’t have thought so with Kyle, because he was just so amazing at this. A tiny little jealous cist in his brain wondered if he had experience with anyone while he was gone, even if he’d claimed not to. Maybe he was sparing Stan’s feelings, because now it was just obvious to him how fucking much Stan loved him, since forever. Maybe Kyle had practised this with Trent, whose situation still eluded Stan, especially right now, with Kyle doing this with him.

The image was not helping him at all, and he tried to just block it out of his mind for now. There was always time to discuss the fucked up Trent situation later. God he hated that name.

‘’Oh my god- Stan! How are you so fucking good at this?’’ Kyle said, pulling his hair harder and mouthing at him hungrily, distracting Stan from being jealous, which he needed, was starting to get dangerously unaroused by the idea that anyone else had ever seen Kyle in a place so vulnerable that only Stan was allowed to see it. Obviously. ‘’You’ve been fucking girls haven’t you?’’

‘’No,’’ Stan said, boring his eyes straight into Kyle’s. ‘’I’ve been here, moping around, waiting for you to come back. Because you were going to, because you’re mine. You belong to me’’

Kyle gulped and tightened his now shaking legs around him, pupil’s fattening. ‘’Yes, yes. I was coming back for you- just you. I’m yours, forever Stan, just yours.’’

‘’And not Trent’s.’’

Kyle’s lidded eyes shot open rapidly. ‘’What? Why would you say that. Fuck, Stan!’’ Kyle said.

‘’Shit, sorry-‘’ Stan said, shaking his head, apparently unable to shake it off. ‘’I just can’t get it out of my head. Who even was this guy?’’

‘’Dude, what the fuck does it matter?’’ Kyle asked, sitting up, Stan sliding off him back on his knees. ‘’He’s gone, and you’re here, okay?’’

‘’So you guys broke up?’’ Stan asked, the heat of the moment fading. Kyle curled up on himself, backing against the bedframe.

‘’Uh, sorta,’’ Kyle said. ‘’I mean I guess so, yeah- sort of, yeah.’’

‘’Well it’s a simple question. Did you break up or not?’’ Stan asked, crossing his arms sceptically, heart beating harder. He was starting to get the sense that this was a big mistake. Oh fuck.

‘’Well, no- I mean,’’ Kyle paused off there, looking at Stan and stuck for words.

‘’No? You’re still seeing him?!’’ Stan’s blood ran cold instantly. ‘’ You’re cheating on him! With me? Oh fuck, I’m just a goddamn mistress, of course!’’ Stan said, panicking completely the fuck out now. He fell off the bed and stumbled across the room. Kyle has done this with Trent, he has kissed him, he lied, of course. It was all a lie.

‘’Stan no!’’ Kyle exclaimed, cursing as he fumbled out of bed, tangling his legs with the blankets. Stan muttered curses to himself, putting his head on the door. He’d never been a cheater, he’d never been an accomplice. He thought Kyle was above it too, oh fuck. Everything was wrong, the whole world felt off skew.

‘’I’m not cheating! Dude, please, hear me out,’’ Kyle said, coming across the room and hugging himself around Stan tightly.

‘’How am I supposed to trust you? What have you done!’’ Stan cried out, hiding his face in the door and crook of his arm, only feebly comforted by Kyle’s body pressed around him securely. His face had gone from bright red in glee to ice old with dread.

‘’Stan, please,’’ Kyle whispered, his voice cracking. Stan turned around to face him, holding his shoulders tightly and forcing Kyle’s eyes to meet his. Both of their eyes were wet, but Stan still felt them stinging from the crying fest earlier. He wasn’t eager to start that again.

‘’You have to tell me everything-- please. I can’t take this anymore,’’ Stan begged. Kyle whimpered and hid his face in Stan’s neck, suddenly wet again. ‘’Kyle, please. What is going on. I- I don’t understand anything anymore dude.’’

‘’I- I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you so much- it’s fucking killing me,’’ Kyle sobbed into Stan’s neck, clutching his shirt in a vice grip.

‘’What is? Kyle, please- tell me. Please, please,’’ Stan said, tears sliding down his face, unable to stop them, despite thinking he’d emptied his tear ducts to dust before. Apparently not. They switched from this crippling crying to desperate rutting in seconds, and it was freaking him out a little.

‘’You’ll hate me for it- you’ll never speak to me again, I know it,’’ Kyle cried.

‘’Kyle!’’ Stan exclaimed, tears bubbling at his lips, pulling Kyle back to look at him. Kyle’s face was worn and desperate, but mostly small, afraid. Given up.

Stan kissed him with all the muster he could manage and more, tripping them both with the force of it. They collapsed with an oomph to the floor, and Stan kept kissing him, trying to push everything into it, so Kyle could feel it, finally feel it.

When he finally released with a gasp from his lips, Kyle was left dazed and wide eyed, pinned to the floor with his arms knitted tightly to his body.

‘’You-‘’ Kyle uttered.

‘’There’s not a _fucking_ thing. That will ever keep me away from you _ever_ again. There’s not a thing you could say,’’ Stan vowed, keeping himself stern as Kyle breathed out shakily, eyes changing.

‘’I-‘’

‘’I love you Kyle, nothing will change that, ever,’’ Stan assured him.

Kyle was silent, his mouth agape. Stan waited, and softly kissed his lips again, as the final promise. Kyle reciprocated this time timidly.

‘’I faked it all.’’


	8. ...A Pretender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow, I said it would be a month, and it's been exactly a month. How about that...

Stan wondered what feeling like drowning felt like, the off chance that it would ever happen. He was always competent at swimming, not bad but not especially amazing at it, so he figured he’d never have a problem keeping his head above the water. Being able to breath and never experience the pitch dark panic of losing air. He never thought he would even think about whether or not he’d ever feel it.

But he felt it now. Like crumbling cities he’d built in his mind plunged into suffocating deep sea like they were made of sand. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, it was like his vision tumbled down and narrowed to the vaguely visible green staring back with antipathy.

Stan was dizzy, thinking maybe he misheard everything, or did he dream it all? He couldn’t even tell anymore, since he drowned into pitch dark of his mind, clawing to escape, and deciding he didn’t even want to, if what he just heard was even true. He didn’t know what he should hope for what was true, because it broke his heart either way.

Kyle’s eyes stared back at him wetly, wanting things from him that Stan didn’t think he was capable of giving. Being shoved off the diving board and into the deep end, made it hard to speak, hard to breath, hard to think. He wasn’t sure what kind of conflicted face he was presenting to Kyle right now, but he’d never want to find out.

‘’Stan,’’ Kyle said, sniffling and providing his own heartbroken look of internal torment. Stan’s whole body felt on pause- waiting for something to tear him out of paralysis.

‘’You- say again?’’ Stan asked, his chest plunging. Kyle sucked in breath.

‘’I- I faked it,’’ Kyle uttered, his voice barely above a panicked whisper.

‘’Faked it?’’

Stan tried to imagine what he meant, though he knew exactly. It’s what gave him such a hard time to even breath.

‘’I’m so sorry Stan. I didn’t mean to do this to you- I. I faked it, the boyfriend, the drama, it’s not real. I’ve never even had a real relationship!’’

‘’You haven’t?’’ Stan asked, unable to keep his fucked over voice from breaking halfway through.

‘’No!’’ Kyle leaned forward and grabbed Stan’s shaking wrists. He looked into his eyes. ‘’I’ve never been with anybody Stan, I was waiting for you! I only ever wanted you!’’

Stan sobbed. 

‘’So you lied to me and broke my heart by pretending you didn’t?

Kyle’s eyes watered, leaving his response to die on his quivering bottom lip.

‘’You made up Trent? And everything about him?’’ Stan asked, wiping at his eyes while Kyle’s hands loosened their grip on his wrists.

‘’No- he’s, he’s real. Trent’s my friend from San Francisco.’’

Stan’s chest plunged further.

‘’How can I trust you then that you haven’t? He’s real, and you had him ready as your ‘boyfriend’. What if you actually are dating? What if you’re just saying this to make me feel less pathetic?’’ Stan asked, failing at restraining his leaking tears from falling. If words were capable of stabbing people, Stan was dead in a ditch, trying to come back to life and just feeling too broken, exposed by two edged knives too many times to recover.

‘’I’m not!’’ Kyle exclaimed, his face growing red. ‘’Stan please! I’m not lying! Please, forgive me- fuck. Oh god, I knew this was a mistake,’’ Kyle said, falling off the bed and stepping away with shaking legs.

‘’You’re meant to tell me everything! How could you do this- how,’’ Stan sobbed, covering his eyes with his hands and rubbing them profusely, trying to take in this information, after everything else today. Too much, it was too much. He couldn’t handle it.

‘’How am I supposed to tell you anything if I don’t even know you anymore! Accept it Stan! It’s been years, we’re different people now. We change- and I get like, you want to have what I have- a-and you got confused when I came out. You- you’re not gay- just- just confused,’’ Kyle said from across the room, his voice growing shakier as he spoke.

‘’I- huh? Fuck you! I am! You can’t stand there and tell me that after we just fucked!’’

Kyle’s face bled red fast. ‘’We didn’t fuck! That doesn’t even count, any straight guy can kiss a another guy and call themselves straight!’’

‘’You sucked my dick!’’ Stan argued.

‘’You let me!’’ Kyle yelled. ‘’But you were just feeling jealous again. Like that egg assignment with Wendy- a-and you wanted her again just because she was my partner! It’s not real- just it’s Trent this time.’’

‘’You can’t say that! You tell me we’ve changed since fifth grade, well I have. And this is it Kyle!’’ Stan held his arms out, feeling stricken but determined. ‘’And I’m gay, and I’m in love with you! Do I need to fuck you to make you believe it?’’

Stan partly expected Kyle to blush and stammer again, but he just turned away and groaned, holding his face. ‘’It’s not real. But I deserve this- for- for lying, fuck!’’

‘’Why did you do it?’’ Stan asked brokenly, needing to sit down. He forced his legs to walk back to the bed, where he fell his ass down and tried to think beyond primary shock and growing anger that felt like turning poisonous if give a reason. He was trying not to give it one.

‘’I was angry! In the halls- and you were so happy, but- but then you turned into that oblivious fucking guy I hated to love back then- acting like you were some straight fucking jock, ignoring how much you just wanna give in, just because you care about everyone’s opinions of you too much to have Kyle- the sickly jewish ginger kid,’’ Kyle spat venomously,

‘’Kyle!’’ Stan admonished.

Kyle turned back around to face Stan. He face was red still, but an angry red, a familiar shade Stan saw on him often as a kid, usually when Cartman opened his mouth.

‘’No! I’m fucking sick of it. It’s been too long for me to pretend that we weren’t skirting around this from the start. You could’ve had me before- while I was still in South Park. But nooo, Mr golden boy had to be straight, he had to date the perfect Wendy Testaburger! So I’m sorry I had to use dire fucking tactics to finally make you break now. You should be thanking me!’’

‘’Thanking you!’’ Stan repeated in disbelief, stuttering out an angry laugh. ‘’In your head, it was easier to fuck with my head and make me wanna kill some guy, than I don’t know- tell me how you feel?’’

‘’You wanted to kill him?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Of course I did. You made me think he had you! You- you’re Kyle. My- my Kyle. It broke my fucking soul to even think about it. And yes, I threw up because of it, Kenny found me in the bathroom, vomiting my life out- because you didn’t need me anymore. Only to find out it was a trick! Well thanks for making me look like the biggest fucking idiot in the universe while you did that.’’

‘’But you wouldn’t have even wanted me had I not do that then! Because you only want things when they aren’t yours. I wasn’t yours, and suddenly I was attractive to you. This is the fucking mind games you play. I can’t even handle it! What the fuck kind of love story even is this?’’

‘’You don’t even fucking respect me,’’ Stan scoffed. His chest had plunged a lot today, and he had to wonder if it was medically healthy to feel euphoric one minute, and devastatingly heartbroken the next. ‘’Why are you even here if you can’t even speak to me without hating everything I’ve done today- my whole life!’’

‘’Stan, you don’t get it,’’ Kyle said in exasperation.

‘’No, I don’t think _you_ get it. You act like I’m this great thing, and then you turn around and judge everything I do, make insane fucking plots to get me to admit shit that I don’t even know about-‘’

‘’See, even you admit that you didn’t know before I made you think about it. Big shot gay man you are, outing yourself just so it’s justified when I suck your dick, but you woke up this morning straight, because in reality you still are.’’

Stan affected a scoff, shaking his head at that while Kyle glared.

‘’What’s it gonna take for you to fucking accept that I love you, and I want _you!_ ’’ Stan shouted, throwing his arms out. He felt like he was in some dramatic theatrical release. Fair justice, it seemed, to the ridiculousness of this. ‘’Fucking tell me Kyle, I’ll fuck you, kiss you, date you, yell it to the world! So let me know which one Kyle, because I’ve been waiting four years, and I won’t wait any longer!’’ Stan cried out, huffing as he made himself look Kyle in the eyes.

Kyle was silent for a worrying moment, staring at Stan. Stan panicked for a moment that he said the wrong thing. Kyle’s lip trembled.

He stumbled forward, looking stricken in the face. He blinked and fell onto Stan.

Stan caught him as he seemed to lose function of his limbs, going limp against him. Kyle gave Stan a frantic broken look, and quickly hid his face in Stan’s chest.

‘’Stan- fuck. Everything’s so fucked,’’ Kyle muffled into his chest.

‘’I- I know,’’ Stan said, breathing in Kyle’s hair and leaning back. Kyle came with him backwards, until they both lay down, Kyle on top of Stan, hiding from him in his chest.

‘’I was so happy when my parents said we had to move back home. Why do I feel awful now?’’ Kyle sobbed. Stan cursed himself for speaking. All he wanted was Kyle, and he even had to ruin that.

‘’I’m so sorry Kyle,’’ Stan said, grabbing the back of Kyle’s shirt and clutching him. Kyle spread his legs either side of Stan, and looked down at him. A tear fell from his face and dripped down to Stan’s face, making him blink.

‘’You hate me now- for lying,’’ Kyle said, leaning down. Stan sighed, ribs cracking two at the weight he disagreed with everything Kyle had said today.

‘’You don’t know me. Because I could never truly hate you,’’ Stan promised, waiting for Kyle to kiss him. Kyle’s eyes watered, and he blinked more tears out that fell against Stan’s face.

‘’You do know me,’’ Kyle said. He stared Stan straight in the eyes this time, and Stan only saw green. Perfect forest green. Not an amber flaw in sight.

And then they were kissing, sliding together as their wet faces stuck to each other. It was messy, and Stan had never wanted anything more than Kyle’s sloppy kisses desperately touching his lips, egging them open like he didn’t want anything else either, just this moment, forgetting everything else today, all the lies, the secrets, the torment.

He pretended it didn’t exist for now. There was plenty of time to acknowledge the dull ache in his chest.

‘’Stan- I’m sorry. I lied- to you, I made you feel awful- I- made you,’’ Kyle rambled, pecking Stan’s lips between every word.

‘’Shh- dude,’’ Stan whispered against him, feeling Kyle’s hot breath against his top lip.

‘’I didn’t want to ruin things,’’ Kyle whispered back.

‘’You’ve never been with anyone? Truly?’’ Stan asked, realising this was all he wanted to ask from the beginning. Nothing else mattered to him. Kyle wiped one of his eyes and sniffled. He shook his head.

‘’I- that was true. People- they tried, in San Francisco. I didn’t want them. Every time I imagined it- their face turned into yours, turned into you. You’re even my first kiss,’’ Kyle said.

‘’But- like,’’ Stan sniffled. ‘’You’ve kissed Bebe, and Rebecca and stuff.’’

Kyle shook his head again. ‘’That doesn’t count to me. I didn’t love them like I love you.’’

Stan stuttered a broken sob at his words, and Kyle kissed him quiet this time, which Stan melted into gratefully, glad he didn’t have to explain that those words meant more to him that anything he’d ever said.

They kissed for a while inbetween brokenly crying and hugging their tears dry with each other’s faces. Rolling around on Stan’s old twin bed, Stan felt like weeping about the fact that this was Kyle’s first time in his room for literally four years. It was in this room where they had their first sleepovers, where Kyle would complain about Stan’s messy room while also cleaning it, where he would laugh when they brought ice cream up here after dinner and Stan would spill it on the blankets, and where on those rare nights it got too hot, or they were particularly happy, Kyle would take off his ushanka before bed, and in those moments before the light went off, Stan finally got to see it. The dense beauty hidden away from undeserving eyes, only to be glimpsed upon before Stan could properly document it.

It was calmer now. His frizzy little curls, rusty reddish auburn, were now exposed. Only they were a prouder red, they were calmer, his little ringlets became bigger looser curls. Stan wanted to put his face in them, finally exposed to the sunlight, and he did, breathing deeply as Kyle ducked down to mouth at his neck.

They seemed to switch paces like this, touching up different places on each other bodies and lingering their as though examining body parts they had no access to before. Stan found himself coming back to Kyle’s reddened lips, his delicate piano like hands, his faint red eyelashes that fluttered every time Stan kissed them. Kyle seemed obsessed with Stan’s ears, his neck, his nose and his bottom lip, eventually evolving to him just chewing on it, and soothing it with his overly wet tongue.

Stan was hard again, very hard. He remembered he never came earlier, and his unsplit balls were aching full now, not helping to learn that during this development since fighting, Kyle also seemed to have a similar problem in his pants whenever he rolled his hips down onto Stan. Kyle finally pulled away from Stan’s thoroughly debauched lips, and looked at Stan. He was still mildly twitching his hips.

‘’There was this one guy-‘’ Kyle started, leaning down closer to Stan. Stan watched him, his brain on pause for what Kyle was about to say. He plunged into that drowning depth when he realised what it could be.

‘’What?’’ Stan asked, a lump in his throat.

Kyle sighed and spread his hands across Stan’s chest, across his shoulders, down his arms. ‘’This one guy, in my old school. I was already out- and he asked me one day- ah-‘’

‘’Asked you what?’’ Stan asked anxiously, sitting up a little on his elbows.

‘’He wanted me to like- um. Blow him?’’ Kyle said. Stan shot his eyes open.

‘’What! You- you didn’t right?’’ Stan asked, his hands currently holding Kyle’s waist shaking.

‘’No!’’ Kyle said, his face bleeding red again. ‘’No, no. Of course not dude. But- ah-‘’

‘’Huh?’’

‘’I- haven’t been honest with you,’’ Kyle winced, probably feeling Stan’s hands tighten defensively around his waist.

‘’H-how so- what?’’ Stan stammered in dreading confusion, growing awareness of what he was happening. Kyle looked at him sheepishly and slid off him and onto the bed.

‘’This- this guy. He was really popular- he was a fucking jock. He um, didn’t like it when I refused him, and he probably thought I was gonna go around telling people he wasn’t as straight as he made out, by saying the out gay ginger kid fucked him or something. I wouldn’t have! But he apparently thought so, so before I did, he went around and spread rumours that I was sleeping with the science professor- who was like fifty fucking years old.’’

‘’Dude-‘’

‘’Anyway, um, so basically he had the kind of popularity to spread a rumour like that and get the parents involved at the depth of it. It got so big that my parents pulled me out of school, and the police somehow got word of it through this nosy hipster mom. It became a scandal there, and to them it was no option to whether we’d be staying in that city. That’s why I never told you about the school Stan! You would have found out, and then you would have known about me- or thought I’m some slut who fucks old men!

‘’Dude- no, dude!’’ Stan sitting up and hugging Kyle’s shoulders.

‘’So, um. I’m basically a disappointment to my parents now, because I made them leave the city, which they grew to love even more than South Park. I couldn’t handle if you thought the same in me. So I pretended about Trent- who was like my only friend over there after everything that happened. He was bullied by this guy too. Trent even knows about you! He gets it- I mean. Stan, I never wanted it to happen this way, but I had no choice. The whole thing over there, it’s like I can’t think rationally anymore because of it. I meant to tell you after I saw you in those halls. But I got scared. You looked like you worshipped me, and I didn’t want to have to look at that face disappear when I told you the truth.’’

‘’ _Kyle_ ,’’ Stan said. ‘’You could’ve told me. You- I would have understood. Please I just- I want things the way they were- when you trusted me.‘’

‘’People change Stan,’’ Kyle said, slumping down. ‘’I’ve changed. You can’t stop _that._ ’’

‘’Fuck you!’’ Stan burst, making Kyle turn to him in shock. Stan jumped him and pushed Kyle down on the bed as he yelped in surprise. ‘’You’re not allowed to tell me I’ve changed. Or that you have. Only I can say that- and you’re still _MY_ Kyle!’’

Kyle stared up at him with wide eyes, his arms held feebly up as Stan straddled him.

‘’I- I am,’’ Kyle said slowly.

‘’Say it,’’ Stan said.

‘’I’m yours,’’ Kyle said stronger. Stan growled and kissed him. Kyle moaned in relief, only to whine when Stan leaned back before their tongues could barely brush together.

‘’No,’’ Stan said. Kyle blinked, his face pinkened. ‘’I’m _yours._ ’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Alice. Thank you for being there for me in my time of crisis. Love you so much darling <3


	9. But hold me tighter still.

Hearts weren’t supposed to go through so much turmoil in within a 24 hour period. Irreparable damage seemed inevitable in the future because of this. This- thing. No, not thing. The _greatest thing_ in the world.

The absolute greatest thing that had ever happened to Stan. He replayed it all in his head for the seventh or hundredth time- just to make sure he remembered every detail. To make sure he remembered it actually happened- that this greatest thing wasn’t a dream he had one day ditching school out of irate sadness.

Those were the days. Stan would have videocalled Kyle the night before until midnight when Sheila finally shouted through the other line that it was a school night Kyle! They would say goodnight after another ten minutes of delayed goodbyes that would devolve into bringing up something funny that happened at school that day. And Stan would fall asleep that night at about 2am to the playlist of songs he didn’t tell anyone he liked. His ass would have been kicked at school and by Kyle if they knew he listened to depressed emo love songs at unheard of hours in the night. He didn’t care it made him a faggy little sadsack for it. Because nobody knew about it to call him that.

If he’d had his head all that time, maybe he’d have figured out the reason for it every time he called Kyle. But he didn’t, and the next school morning of those days would usually be spent waking up late and choking down toast while he ran to meet the bus. Or just not bothering at all and staying home with a fake cold and scrolling shit through his phone all day.

He never told Kyle about these truanting days, or about the music, or about much at all. It broke his heart to have to hide this stuff, but the thing happened that he’d dreaded most about Kyle moving. They just didn’t know each other anymore.

Stan contemplated this past too. Thought about those stories he wanted to tell about shit that happened at school, but didn’t because he thought Kyle wasn’t interested in that kind of thing anymore in his new advanced school. And honestly still wasn’t sure.

‘’What are you thinking about?’’ Kyle asked, bumping his nose. ‘’You look all deep in thought. What’s Stan thinking?’’

Stan jumped back out into the real world, remembering where he was. It was late afternoon, sun going down and illuminating the room in gorgeous hazy orange. And Kyle was absently fondling Stan’s hands and arms, wrapped around him and leaning his head on his shoulder where they lay.

‘’Nothing. Everything,’’ Stan said earnestly. ‘’The past.’’

‘’Do you always get nostalgic after sex?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’I’ve never had sex,’’ Stan said. It hadn’t been ‘sex’, per say. But it involved rubbing, touching, lots of hands and enough kissing to count as something _real_ close to it. Coming had also been involved. Stan had never felt so girlishly happy during, and now in the aftermath he was just calm and sated, watching the orange fade with lines on the floor while revelling in Kyle’s warm skin pressed against him.

‘’Everyone in California bragged about having sex,’’ Kyle said, sounding like he couldn’t even give a fuck anymore. ‘’Even the gay ones, they’d explain what it felt like- like all the ass stuff. They’d say prostates feel like this white hot sensation. I didn’t know if they were full of shit or telling the truth. Some of them I doubted they’d been laid by either gender at all.’’

‘’I was worried you were,’’ Stan said, in disbelief of how stressed out he’d been earlier over this possibility. Now it just felt like a childish fear, the real hurdle passed. He probably would remain this calm and serene toned for the next three days because of the stress of today. His brain couldn’t handle anything else.

‘’I thought you’d been fucking girls by now. A tall beautiful Stan no longer troubled with that redhead smothering him all the time? Are you kidding, I thought you’d be fucking right and left through our class by now.’’

‘’Do you truly believe I’d do that though?’’ Stan asked, smiling. Kyle looked up at him and grinned.

‘’Nah- you’re too obsessed with the redhead to care about those chicks dropping panties,’’ Kyle smirked.

‘’It’s true. I’m too in love to give those poor girls a chance. I was too in love when I was eight. I just didn’t know it yet.’’

They kissed, the thousandth time that day, maybe to make up for all the missed years not kissing the breath from each other’s sails. Stan certainly still had a lot to catch up on, and now that all that complication had been resolved, he wasn’t even excited or impatient about it. He just wanted to live in this moment forever, the warm afternoon sun glistening over them and their new clean skin, free of issues and lies and mess and lack of trust. Leaving them emotionally naked, Stan finally realised it’s what they needed all along to proceed, with this even greater level of super best friends. That secret video game level you had to get good enough to even discover, and once you did the rewards never stopped pouring out with those shiny gold digital coins.

‘’Wanna go downstairs and raid the pantry?’’ Stan asked when they finally released, slightly breathless with the reality that they could now make out without any implications at all. Stan grinned when Kyle’s eyes lit up, and he thought about all those sleepovers they used to have in this very bed, where they’d collect as much junk food as Stan’s mum was willing to buy, and haul it up to their room, giggling and dropping things up the stairs. Not coming back out until the next morning, with a million empty packets to put in the trash. That was six years ago, huh.

‘’You remember that?’’ Kyle asked, like he was thinking the same memory as Stan, or just scanning through his brain. Neither would surprise Stan, but he was just pleasantly surprised they could still share the same thoughts after all this time.

‘’Yeah dude, c’mon.’’

They redressed there an the sunset faded into dark. Kyle accidently put on Stan’s shirt in his dazed dressing, but Stan made him keep it on when he realised the mistake. He looked adorable in the oversized tee, one pale shoulder popping out and looking lickable, like a confection. Stan realised he was super hungry, then recounted vomiting out his stomach earlier, which explained it.

Stan picked out another shirt from his drawer and kept Kyle in his other, and they went downstairs. Kyle apparently hadn’t given Sharon a proper explanation and hello earlier in his haste to see Stan, so while Stan fixed them the snacks from the pantry, Kyle talked to her in the kitchen, explaining how everything happened, why they moved back. He used the lie he told Stan before about Gerald’s law firm going under, instead of the real truth. Stan would worry himself about it later, but he made himself stop thinking about it and continue his surge of familial domestic bliss he was experiencing right about now. It sort of felt like his mom was the visitor, and they were living together- newlyweds maybe, entertaining her while laying out snacks.

Of course it wasn’t accurate. They were smuggling the food upstairs and locking themselves in like always, but Stan kept the little fantasy he created anyway. It felt cuter.

‘’Stan, you must be so happy to see Kyle again,’’ his mom said happily. Stan turned to them with packets of chips, cookies and various assorted candy bundled in his arms. ‘’Stanley don’t you tell me you’re gonna be hoarding that food up there again.’’

‘’I’m just so happy to see Kyle again mom,’’ Stan grinned impishly at her, to which she harrumphed. Kyle was trying to hold the saggy shirt up to hide his exposed shoulder, which was quickly giving Stan another reason to hurry this meet up and get them back to his room so he could sink his teeth into it.

‘’Sheila knows you’re here doesn’t she?’’ Sharon called when Stan all but shoved Kyle out towards the stairs, arms full of junk food.

‘’Yes Mrs Marsh,’’ Kyle called, turning to whisper to Stan. ‘’She doesn’t even know I ditched class.’’

Stan didn’t know why he laughed, but he just missed being scared of that woman, all of her flaws included. They stumbled back in, and Stan dumped the food on the foot of the bed and pursued Kyle. The shirt had fallen off his shoulder again where he stood.

Kyle yelped when Stan advanced and pinned him to the bed on his back.

‘’Stan! _Oh_ \- Stan I have to call my mother,’’ Kyle said when Stan essentially chewed on his taunting bare shoulder, staining it pink with teeth marks.

‘’Don’t mind me, go ahead and call her,’’ Stan said evilly, getting overly hot when Kyle did a little combination of a groan and whimper in response when he started licking up towards his neck.

‘’You’re biting me,’’ Kyle said, as though that excused anything.

‘’Your lips are working- for now,’’ Stan continued, loving this. Kyle gasped and hit his back too soft to be called anything but playful.

‘’Stan!’’ he heard the grin of disbelief in Kyle’s secretly smug voice, so he didn’t listen. ‘’Can I at least move to go get my phone?’’

Stan continued his molestation on Kyle the entire conversation on the phone with Sheila. Kyle had to hold a pillow close to his lips and stuff it in his mouth to muffle his moans and gasps when Stan lingered in a particularly sensitive spot, deathly scared of his mother hearing.

Stan was in complete paradise that he couldn’t care less what Sheila heard. He would in fact be relieved if she knew. Because fuck if he was gonna go through that hiding crap where they couldn’t be themselves. He’d figured Sheila had adopted the San Fran hippie attitude tolerant of these things in their time away. He hoped, but he’d consult Kyle later when he could muster a brain thought beyond lick this clean sweet boy like he’s a sweet creamy lollipop, twitching and gasping where he sits on the bed.

The phone call ended with Sheila annoyed at Kyle not telling her he’d be sleeping over at Stans, though Stan didn’t understand why that was such a surprise. Despite all the shit that happened today, it was impossible to believe he would have ended up anywhere else than Stan’s bed.

Kyle hadn’t even looked away from his phone when he hung up before Stan pounced upon him with impatience, the long call full of licking and touching leading nowhere leaving him rock hard and bursting for Kyle’s attention. Kyle was hard too, and Stan had been curiously and cautiously felt him up around his crotch, going slow this time to really investigate. They hadn’t really done it slow last time, and looking at the pace they were going this round, slow seemed impossible as well. Well it would have been.

Stan didn’t even get to kiss Kyle again before the door knocked. They both froze, nervous his mom heard anything and wanted to ask questions.

The person it was had always had the uncanny ability to simultaneously annoy and relieve them. Kenny called Stan’s name out and knocked again. Stan knew he was serious right now. Typically he’d burst in without so much as a curtesy shout.

Kyle widened his eyes from beneath Stan and they both sat up, brushing themselves down so they didn’t look so obviously ready for sex. The shoulder was out again, but Stan hardly had the mind to care this time. Next time.

‘’Stan? Can I come in? What happened?’’ Kenny tried again.

‘’Come in!’’ Stan said quickly, trying to seem casual with Kyle just being there on the bed. Casually. In one of his shirts that made him look edible. Anyways.

Kenny walked in slowly and cautiously, unsmiling but curious. Stan tried to remember the last time he saw him. Oh right. The bathroom incident.

‘’Hey dude,’’ Stan said, waving like a dork. Kenny’s stare cut between the two of them. ‘’What’s up?’’

‘’Nothing’s up with me,’’ Kenny said, closing the door behind him and heading over to the bed where they tried to look normal. ‘’What’s important is what’s up with you two.’’

‘’What do you mean?’’ Kyle asked, failing at sounding oblivious. ‘’Everything’s fine.’’

‘’Uh huh, sure Kyle. It’s just last I heard from either of you, things weren’t the peachiest. What do you have to say now? The fact that you’re together right now, not fighting.’’

‘’Well we- _talked_ ,’’ Kyle said, giving Stan a glance he’d forgotten to desperately miss. Those little nods and looks they’d share like a private language. Stan was rendered silent by it. Kyle probably recognised the need to kiss him in Stan’s eyes, and quickly looked away, blushing pink.

‘’Talked? About what?’’ Kenny said, looking down at them with his superior height like a scare tactic. Stan didn’t understand what Kenny was trying to get them to say.

‘’We figured things out Kenny,’’ Kyle explained. ‘’I- told him about Trent. We’re cool now.’’

‘’Cool? Like, best friends again?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’Of course.’’

‘’Stan?’’ Kenny turned to him expectantly.

‘’We’re all good again,’’ Stan said, not really sure why they were hiding this from their oldest friend. Maybe because he was a bit of a smug dick about it.

‘’You were crying last time I spoke to you though,’’ Kenny said, look sad. ‘’And everything is just okay? You had an understanding?’’

‘’Yeah dude!’’ Kyle’s voice got higher. ‘’I don’t know what you want from us, we’re all friends again. I was just a dumbass before- but we’re over it’’

‘’Goddammit Kyle!’’ Kenny yelled. ‘’I just want you boners to admit you’ve been fucking all afternoon for fucks sake! Why is that so hard?’’

‘’What?!’’ Stan and Kyle both exclaimed at the same time, flushing.

‘’I caught you! I spied on you buttholes,’’ Kenny jabbed his finger at them accusingly. ‘’You can’t hide from me, I can sense a couple of gaymos a mile away- I guessed about you two pillowbiters when we were six! _SIX_ you fuckers! And you can’t even let me in on it- your oldest friend. Wow, I’m hurt.’’

‘’Kenny-‘’ Stan tried.

‘’Oh don’t give me that crap Stanley!’’ Kenny shouted with a huff. ‘’You’re a depressed little butthole without Kyle. Kyle you’re a nervous little bitch without Stan. Now fucking kiss each other for me, before I rip my hair out in frustration. I need proof of your union.’’

‘’But you said you apparently saw us fuck-‘’ Kyle glared sceptically. ‘’What kind of perv does that?’’

‘’This kind of perv Kyle,’’ Kenny said, waving at himself, ‘’This kind of perv. Butters helped.’’

‘’Butters?’’ Kyle said in disbelief. ‘’You told fucking _Butters_ about this?’’

‘’Hey!’’ Kenny snapped, getting in their faces. ‘’We all have our gay little best friends we fuck and tell everything to. You guys don’t have the monopoly.’’

‘’Oh my god,’’ Stan said, covering his face. So much for keeping this nice afternoon calm and relaxed. Of course this day didn’t work out like that. Of course Kenny had to come over right now with this shit. ‘’What will it take for you to forgive us Kenny?’’

Kenny raised his brows at the question, apparently thinking about it.

‘’Did you go all the way? In the ass?’’ he asked.

‘’What the fuck!’’ Kyle scowled, shoving Kenny when he finally broke into snickers.

‘’Okay- okay guys,’’ Kenny said. ‘’Move aside,’’ he pushed Stan and Kyle aside where they sat on the bed and jumped up in between them. He hugged them close and hummed when they fell with him on their backs. Stan was confused, but Kenny patted them still. ‘’I love you guys, and I’m really glad the crew is back together. Especially you two.’’

‘’Cartman isn’t here though,’’ Stan pointed out.

‘’Good,’’ Kyle scoffed.

‘’No, see. We lost Cartman when Kyle left. You can’t get back something that was already only sticking around for one thing.’’

‘’Are you saying I was the thing keeping Cartman around?’’ Kyle asked, sounding horrified.

‘’Yeah man. You were,’’ Kenny said calmly.

‘’Oh god,’’ Kyle said, not sounding that put out by it. Stan supposed it didn’t really matter now. Back then, Kyle had been a glue of sorts that kept the four together. Just like they all were. If any one of them permanently left- it meant the end of the boys.

‘’So now he’s found that missing rival in Wendy I suppose,’’ Stan surmised. Kenny petted him, which he’ll admit was pretty comforting. It kind of felt like a balm to all the wounds inflicted today.

‘’Wendy had the one thing Kyle was missing to complete the picture,’’ Kenny said, sighing. ‘’Tits and a pussy. Otherwise Cartman might have chased Kyle for that too.’’

‘’Sick dude!’’ Kyle exclaimed, sitting up and hitting Kenny, replacing the morose scene effectively before they got too sad. Stan started laughing, and Kenny tried to dodge Kyle’s attacks, snickering like an imp.

‘’Don’t even think about that picture,’’ Kyle warned him, beginning to laugh too when Kenny blocked him like a ninja.

Pretty soon they were all giggling like potheads on the bed while they stared up at the ceiling.

‘’Guys I missed this,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Me too,’’ Kyle said.

‘’We should have a sleepover soon,’’ Stan said, cheeks pained from laughing. A good pain.

‘’Soon?’’ Kenny sat up and grinned. ‘’Screw that, I’m sleeping over _tonight_.’’

‘’What?’’

‘’C’mon, I’ve known you guys long enough to figure out you’d be sleeping in each other’s arms tonight. I’m sorry to break up the fuckfest- but there’s plenty of time for that afterwards.’’

‘’Dude- no,’’ Kyle said, hiding his face. ‘’This isn’t some fuckfest.’’

‘’No, Kyle’s right,’’ Stan said. ‘’Kenny ruined the chances of that happening.’’

‘’Yeah, thanks Kenny,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Aww- dude! Not even a day and you’re ganging up on me again!’’ Kenny said, though they were all snickering. ‘’You can’t send me home now. I saw your snacks and stole half your chips while you were getting emotional.’’

‘’You food ninja,’’ Kyle joked, ‘’give us our shit back!’’

‘’You assfuckers don’t deserve it,’’ Kenny claimed, pouting dramatically. Kyle tried to frisk Kenny for the chips, and Kenny laughed and lifted them out of reach with his monster long arms. Kyle grunted to get them without properly standing up, on his knees.

‘’Stan, help me!’’ Kyle said.

‘’He’s molesting me Stan!’’ Kenny cried out when Kyle accidently fell onto him in his haste to reach them.

‘’I have to help my boyfriend Kenny,’’ Stan said. Not thinking at all.

They all paused suddenly, looking back at him. Kyle bright red. Kenny surprised and quickly gleefully smug.

‘’Um, yeah,’’ Stan said awkwardly, kicking himself for speaking out of his ass. Fuck, he’s such a retard.

‘’Boyfriend?’’ Kyle said nervously.

‘’Uhh- will you be my boyfriend Kyle?’’ Stan asked quickly, getting all his dumbassery out at once apparently.

‘’Dude,’’ Kyle said. He glanced at Kenny.

Kenny looked scandalised Kyle glanced at him, tsking loudly. ‘’Now what the fuck are you giving me that look for Kyle? Go make out with your boyfriend you dumbass!’’

Kyle apparently didn’t need telling twice, and fell onto Stan without another second.

They fell back and exchanged saliva, writhing passionately, Stan felt was a good word for it. Stan’s didn’t mind sharing his dumbassery with Kyle, which he thought they matched well in. Kenny always seemed to know better. Then in the middle of necking realised he was watching all of this.

Uncanny enough, Kyle seemed to realise at the exact same time, and he sat back up beet red and lips puffy and slick with spit. Shoulder fell loose. Stan pulled it back up for him.

They’d expected Kenny to be glowing at them, laughing, taking photos, grinning smugly like always. To their surprise he was making work of the first packet of chips, looking like he could give two shits about their love life.

‘’What the fuck Kenny,’’ Kyle said.

‘’What?’’ Kenny looked up at them. ‘’You really think I’ve got nothing better to do with my life than watch my closeted best friends pash? Yeah, thanks, but I’m having an affair with these barbeque flavour chips. We all knew you’d be sucking each other off sooner or later. Didn’t we guys?’’

‘’Who are you talking to?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Nobody,’’ Kenny grinned. ‘’You wouldn’t understand.’’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you got that.


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you realise the whole story took place in one day-

It was reasonably strange adjusting back to school after that day. It was a mindfuck- to say the least.

Not two days ago, Stan was pondering his existence and the worthlessness of it. And this morning he was bouncing up from sleep with a solid breakthrough of happiness on his face. It was the first time he’d woken up smiling in years.

Not two days ago, Stan poked at a grey mysterious meat he was wondering was actually beef, and glooming about how the vegan meat in San Francisco tasted. (Stan knew very well carnivores didn’t exist in that city). This morning, he beamed at the ceiling at the idea he could sit there in the presence of the greatest person alive, finally. Even just to watch him eat again- felt like a blessing.

And not two days ago, Stan didn’t realise anything great could exist again, not after it all being so cruelly ripped away. And this morning, he found himself sharing a bed with this greatest person alive, who was yawning and grinning at Stan like he had no idea just how much he lived to see his face in person. The things he’d give up to keep seeing it.

And the people he wouldn’t hesitate to hurt, to kill, to be able to kiss his greatest person alive. Kyle seemed dopily surprised when Stan pecked his nose puppyishly, trying to tell him this somehow without words. Words wouldn't do these feelings justice. Kyle seemed pleased to accept them at least, which was more than enough reason to keep doing it.

It was too early to have brain thoughts, but eventually (after about ten nose kisses and Kyle licking his cheek a little less than innocently) Stan realised they weren’t alone in his bed. The heavy sound of Kenny’s snoring was finally processing through Stan’s brain. And that mysterious warmth beside them was suddenly explained. In any scenario before he dared to create in his head- none of them consisted of Kenny both third-wheeling and cock-blocking them the morning after. But there you go, he’d always been good at that.

Kyle eventually noticed Kenny too, looking over his shoulder to the other side of the bed where Kenny was splayed out, effectively squishing Stan and Kyle together to one side. It was a small bed for three near full grown teenagers (one of which was nearly tree-sized), and through the night there was kicking, complaining and pillow matches to get more room, but they made it work.

He was still in the dopey drunk land of sunshine about everything- and had it only been a day? Kyle’s first night home was spent sandwiched between Stan and Kenny in Stan’s childhood bedroom. Anything else- really, would have been grossly wrong.

‘’Hey,’’ Kyle whispered to Stan, like it was illicit.

‘’Hey,’’ Stan responded, butterflies unfolding in his chest at the little secret he felt like they were sharing.

‘’Is it weird? That I feel like I never left?’’ Kyle asked, toying with the collar of Stan’s t-shirt. Avoiding eye contact.

‘’Nah,’’ Stan responded faux casually, putting his forehead against his, watching Kyle’s eyes lift. ‘’That felt like just a layover. You’re home now.’’

Who cares that they were capable of turning playfulness into dead-set sincerity in seconds, like it felt like they'd been doing all yesterday too.

‘’If you guys fuck- am I excused from leaving due to being kicked eight times?’’ Kenny suddenly asked, awake. Stan was actually grateful of him just then, forgetting about everything but Kyle’s fattened pupils for a dangerous moment. Something ill-considered would have happened. Kyle fell out of his daze and flushed, leaning away from Stan out of that li-biting territory.

‘’Cockblock,’’ Stan said to Kenny, who laughed. Kyle scoffed and punched Stan’s chest- too soft to be anything but playful.

Kenny sat up and peered across to their near-cuddling bodies, trying to scowl in disgust but only managing to beam smugly. ‘’I fucking knew you guys would be like this- I have so many bets to collect.’’

‘’Who from?’’ Kyle asked, lips flapping.

‘’Uhh- I collected Butter’s, I gotta get Clyde’s, Jimmy’s, Tweek’s, Token’s and Wendy’s,’’ Kenny counted.

‘’Wendy!’’ Kyle exclaimed, angry disbelief creeping into his tone. ‘’Fucking Wendy bet on us?’’

‘’Yeah dude,’’ Kenny said, clearly enjoying himself. ‘’IN FACT, she was one of the first people who guessed. I’d say the second person. Guess who’s the first.’’

‘’I don’t wanna know-‘’ Kyle started, groaning.

‘’Guess,’’ Kenny repeated, grinning. He wasn’t gonna let this go.

‘’Who Kenny?’’ Stan took his bait, knowing his answer.

‘’Yours truly bitch, who else?’’ Kenny smugly announced. ‘’I had you two jizzrags figured out day one.’’ He held his finger up for emphasis.

‘’We would have never guessed dude,’’ Kyle said. ‘’What with the years of sexual joke abuse, we had no clue you shipped us.’’

‘’ _Shipped?_ Shit- you’ve actually turned San Francisco on us,’’ Stan laughed.

‘’I can’t help it!’’ Kyle said defensively. ‘’There were teenage girls that swarmed the place with fucked up fanart and shit like what happened in fourth grade. And most of them weren’t even Asian!’’

‘’Then you’ll be horrified that some of the other girls have started doing it here too,’’ Kenny pointed out.

‘’Fuck off- really?’’ Kyle looked like exasperated than horrified. ‘’Oh god, I can’t wait to see _that._ ’’

‘’Yeah, especially now that our dynamic duo are back,’’ Kenny smirked, yawning and stretching out of the too small twin bed.

It really did feel like they were, at that moment. All jigsaw pieces stuck back together- this time glued. Stan could feel it- they wouldn’t get unstuck so easy this time.

And that’s everything he could ask for.

**

That day at school, Stan was embarrassed how literally he took that metaphor. He was actually glued to Kyle’s side, too desperate to breathe the same air to part for even a minute. He didn’t want to think about how bad his separation anxiety was for him to be this pathetic once they were together again.

But then- Kyle wouldn’t leave his side either, Stan began to realise. In class, Kyle made sure to bag the seat next to him (just like as kids), even when someone else was already sitting there. He didn’t go off to be welcomed back by some of the other guys like Stan partly expected he would. At one point, Kyle even came into the boys bathroom with him to take a piss, but didn’t even need to go. Just waited for Stan to finish while laughing about how Token was dressed. Stan laughed with him, and only afterwards considered that maybe other guys didn’t do that.

Well fuck it. They weren’t just friends anymore- they were this more perfect thing that Stan got to feel smug about as he reglued his hip to Kyle’s adjacent one, bumping them together so Kyle would look up at him and smile smugly like he was thinking the same thing dude, always.

‘’You know,’’ Stan said at their lockers between periods. Kyle had been embraced by people who actually remembered him throughout the day, and had vague conversations about how San Francisco was, and how different he looked, and how cool it was he was back. Kyle tolerated it but groaned about how sucky he remembered moving back to a hometown was, having already done it once. ‘’We don’t actually really need to- you know. Hide.’’

‘’Huh?’’ Kyle asked, lingering closer.

‘’Well you know,’’ this wasn’t supposed to sound awkward, but it’s true he’d never really been in this position. It just felt right. ‘’We could just like- come out and be boyfriends. At school.’’

‘’Oh- oh!’’ Kyle understood. ‘’Yeah- well, how would we do that? Take out a megaphone and announce it Cartman-style?’’ he joked.

‘’Smartass,’’ Stan pinched his side. ‘’No- uh. Here, take my hand.’’

He may or may not have been dying to hold Kyle’s hands all day at this point.

Kyle took his hand warmly, flushing but prideful. And there it was, another place they were glued together.

‘’Wanna go gloat to Cartman and Wendy at lunch?’’ Stan suggested with a grin, as they shut lockers and walked through the halls. He could feel people’s stares, and surprisingly it just made him flush pleasurably now. How could he have thought it would be embarrassing before all this? Kyle smirked.

‘’I thought you’ve never ask, dude.’’

They were whistled by Kenny as they passed him holding hands then, who proceeded to show them a handful of notes collected from bets.

‘’You two being gay together. Best thing that’s ever happened to me,’’ Kenny announced, kissing the money in his hands.

‘’Glad we could help you buy more pot,’’ Kyle said sarcastically.

‘’Oh Kyle. You of all people should know, this money is for my princess trapped in the castle. She awaits me fellas, peace,’’ Kenny said, patting them and continuing past.

‘’We didn’t really have a proper conversation about it,’’ Kyle said.

‘’About what?’’

‘’Um- dude! Kenny- and Butters?? They’re together?’’ Kyle sputtered at him. ‘’And yet you didn’t tell me, like- I know we went through it but-‘’

‘’No, I get it,’’ Stan flushed at the reminder of yesterday, images of him clutching a toilet bowl pathetically while an oversized Kenny coddled him. He shivered at the memory of how many goddamn embarrassing tears were shed. Then shivered more in those moments before Kyle’s bombshell. They’d been so close together- all huddled up, all perfect. ‘’I’m sorry Kyle- I. Might have some issues.’’

He winced at the way he said it- which was definitely not the way to broach the topic, but Kyle’s sad eyes were blasting him with their sympathetic gaze.

‘’You think I haven’t been messed up by this?’’ Kyle asked softly. ‘’I’ve had the worst fucking anxiety- being away, being without you. You don’t even know.’’

‘’I,’’ Stan laughed under his breath. ‘’think I do know.’’

Kyle squeezed his hand, and when Stan dared to look back into his eyes, he was hit again with that same intensity that made him lift Kyle entirely into his arms in the halls before.

‘’Ugh- fuck this,’’ Kyle suddenly said. ‘’C’mon, we’re ditching.’’

‘’Ditching?’’ Stan sputtered, too taken off guard to protest. ‘’Since when do you know how to ditch?’’

‘’I ditched all the time in San Fran,’’ Kyle grinned, and Stan could tell he’d waited to announce that proud little development.

‘’Who are you?’’ Stan asked, laughing as Kyle pulled him along the opposite direction of Math class.

‘’Your _boyfriend_ idiot,’’ Kyle announced loudly, looking just as giddy as Stan felt at the mere words. Stan pulled Kyle close- too irresistible for him to refrain.

‘’ _Boyfriend_ ,’’ Stan grinned, kissing Kyle’s lips right in the middle of the halls. He’ll never get sick of saying that word, he could feel it as Kyle welcomed his tongue quickly, eagerly.

‘’Hey! What are you boys doing out of class?’’ a teacher broke them out of the bubble of bliss that gay little fairy blew for them. Stan and Kyle turned quickly towards the teacher, who was approaching. Any other situation, they’d have probably run anyway, but it felt extra exciting this time as Kyle grabbed his wrist and they bolted the opposite direction.

He could hear the teacher shouting down the hall, but nothing else much mattered above their doomed laughter, slamming of chests at the illicit activity, and huff of breaths as they chased each other until they made it out of the building.

The teacher hadn’t followed them, but Stan didn’t care. He’d run all the way home if that’s what it took. They stopped and leaned against the side of the building once they escaped through the doors, huffing hard at the sudden activity. Stan remembered what it feel like to feel so sudden alive and bright in his pumping veins, but since giving up football when Kyle left, he hadn’t experienced this in a long time.

Soon huffing made room for giggling, Kyle put his head in the crook of Stan’s neck deliriously. Stan’s heart soared.

‘’Hey,’’ Stan tugged on Kyle’s hair. He looked up, cheeks pinked and crinkled with happy. ‘’I love you.’’

Kyle blinked, and smiled ‘’Oh? So I guess you won’t mind if I?-‘’

Kyle jumped on him, effectively taking him back against the building wall, and wrapped his limber legs back around Stan’s waist just like when they were reunited, that exact same tingling feeling of universe peace- but this time it felt solid, like it would stay this time.

Kyle kissed him softly once Stan held him up comfortably. He was so fucking light, or maybe that vegan bird diet wasn’t as good as San Francisco claimed.

‘’Hey- I love you too,’’ Kyle said, suddenly meek. ‘’I missed you.’’

Stan surprised himself with the force of connecting lips again, surprising the noise out of Kyle as he did it. The balance was made unsteady, so Stan just went and pinned Kyle to the building and licked into him hungrily, desperately, not caring as he proclaimed with everything but words:

_I missed you. I missed you. I missed you too_

_But you’re home now. You’re with me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAHH, done!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I know I'm a pain, but I appreciate your encouragement more than words can pronounce~

**Author's Note:**

> [Follow me if you choose :3](https://www.instagram.com/lozislaw/)


End file.
